*Gasp* Snow?!

I have a new irritation and unfortunately it can't be treated with any creams.

My facebook has been inundated with posts about the upcoming 'blizzard' about to hit our area. I say 'blizzard' because it's only going to be a few inches and last I heard, it's going to stick to the grass and not cause traffic problems. People are up in arms about it and won't stop pissing and moaning.

Here's my question. What did you THINK was going to happen? Umm hellooo. We live in the midwest, where it SNOWS every year, check the almanac if you don't believe me. It's NOVEMBER. Sure winter doesn't officially start until right before Christmas, but do you mid-westerners ever remember a year where it didn't snow until after winter started? Heck I remember over a decade ago, when I was a wee lassie, going out with my snowsuit on over my Halloween costume and trick-or-treating in snow bluffs. You should be thankful that nowadays snow doesn't seem to come until after Halloween.

I've been home sick with a cold for two days now, but tonight I was grateful my cold hit when it did because I can imagine everyone at work talking about it and there's a certain person in my office who always calls it the '4 letter word'. It's annoying. She's all, 'Don't say that 4-letter word!!' I want to be like, "Oh, you mean you're a fucking moron? Wait..that's too many letters..." She's annoying regardless, but she always acts like snow in Minnesota is a rarity that should never happen. Really? Come on.

To be honest, I'm not as thrilled with snow either. All I want is a white holiday season and then I'm over it. I hate driving in it, I hate how dirty it makes everything, so I'm not all, "YAY SNOW!" either but if I really didn't like it, I would migrate south. It's not like it's July or we live in Florida. It's November in Minnesota, do the math or geography, whichever it is.

So the moral of my bitch is you live in the northern United States, it snows here, quit your bitchin'.

Patience is a virtuuuue!!!

I am the first to admit that I am one of THE MOST impatient people you will ever meet. I hate hate hate people that slow me down or make me wait, it's one of my biggest pet peeves. However, there are places that I will never be impatient: restaurants and stores.

Nothing pisses me off more than rude, impatient people towards wait staff or retail employees. I have never worked in food service simply because I know I could never put up with it but I have worked in retail before and I said I would live on the streets before I ever did it again. I know what these employees go through and have to put up with, all for minimum wage, so I am more than understanding.

Today I was at one of our local grocery stores. One nice feature is their postal counter. I have quite a few packages to mail on a weekly basis so it's nice to stop at the grocery store on my way home and mail packages and pick up the groceries I need. Well, I had put off a PO trip all week, so I had probably a dozen or so packages to mail when I got there tonight. The girl was going as fast as she could, I know my packages are annoying, so I'm more than patient. This woman comes up behind me about halfway through. I would estimate she maybe waited for 5 minutes, MAYBE. Well, the girl helping me moved to the cash register to finish my transaction and in the meantime, another customer service girl came over to ask the woman behind me what she needed. (While the woman was waiting, I had noticed the girl help a man with his dry cleaning and she had a call that she was trying to track down the person they were calling for, so she certainly wasn't standing picking her ass) this old wench starts bitching at this girl with things like, "I wondered if you were ever going to help me! I was standing here FOREVER while you were walking around doing NOTHING. I JUST want STAMPS!" etc etc The girl was like, "Ummm okay. Well, you can only help one person at a time at the postal counter so..." (Which, technically I know isn't completely true. I've had a few packages before where someone came up in the middle wanting stamps, and another worker interrupted my 'weighing' process to ring up the stamps, I was internally annoyed as I was in line first and they can certainly wait, but I've never vocalized my annoyance as it's not a huge deal.) As my girl finished up with me and I paid her, I leaned in and said, "Wow, good luck with this impatient bitch." The old hag looked at me and said, "Excuuuuuse me?!" I simply grabbed my receipt, shared a smile with the clerk, said, "You heard me." and walked away. I hope that leaves a bad taste in the bitch's mouth for a week.

Now that I'm FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY released from the HELL of working with the public, I feel some sort of obligation to stand up for employees. When I had to deal with the public, I would've killed for someone to stand up for me when I was treated poorly. I'd be dealing with some asshole, finally get them to leave and the next person in line would be like, "Wow...they were a piece of work." Really? Then SAY something because I'm not allowed to! So if anyone were to ever speak up on my behalf, I would have to control myself to not run and hug them. In my recent situation, the woman was a liar. She wasn't even standing there for 5 minutes and even if she had, she's old and retired and probably has nowhere important to be. Even if she does, these employees aren't making a ton of dough to deal with the likes of her on an hourly basis. Not only do they have to take it, they can't dish it out. If you were to say one negative word to a customer you run the risk of getting fired. I think that's a crock, if people are rude bitches it should be allowed to call them on it. So since the employees can't, I'm certainly not going to let the assholes get away with it.

A 'favorite' of mine, when I worked retail, was someone not getting what they wanted and declaring, "I am NEVER shopping here again." Point out one person who gives a shit. The employees pay doesn't increase or decrease depending on what customers come to the store. A grocery store clerk isn't going to make a little bonus due to you returning to their store next week. Nobody cares. Whenever someone told me that, I wanted to respond, "Is that a promise or a threat?!" As a matter of fact, they would probably prefer you keep your ugly ass out of the store.

Another annoyance, while I'm thinking of it, is this whole, "Respect your elders" bullshit. The woman I lipped off to today was old and by old I mean retired, late 60s probably. I'm not going to respect anyone unless they deserve it. This whole mentality that old people should be treated nice no matter what is ludicrous. Doesn't matter if they're 12, 30, 76 or 109. If you're a 109-year-old impatient asshole, you're not getting any sympathy from me.

Think of this way, you could be having a terrible day. Your dog died, you're getting a divorce or maybe you just didn't have enough milk to have a bowl of cereal this morning. You get to a store and you don't think they are moving fast enough for you or aren't coming to your beck 'n call the minute you snap your fingers. Maybe they could work faster, the thing is, it doesn't matter. You don't know squat about them or their lives. Perhaps they just lost a close friend, they broke up with their boyfriend they (stupidly) thought they'd be with forever the night before, or maybe they just woke up and dreaded going to work that day. Either way, your yelling and cursing isn't going to make either of you feel better and it certainly isn't going to make them want to help you any more or work any faster. Whenever I had to deal with assholes, I did as little as I could, as slow as I could because I wanted to make their life as miserable as they were making mine at that moment. Why would they want to give you what you want?? I know sometimes employees aren't giving 100% or could perform better, but they're doing YOU a service, that doesn't mean they're YOUR servant. If not for public employees, you'd be in your kitchen churning your own butter and sewing your own dress, show a little appreciation for the convenience of life now. You're mad that you're spending 2 extra minutes at a checkout counter but think of how much time you're saving yourself from doing so much work on your own! Plus it may be some snot-nosed teenager not performing to your expectations but you're an adult and you should know better.

There's my 84 cents.

Garage Sale Tips

Okay folks. I don't consider myself a pro at it, but I sure know a thing or two about rummage sales. I've compiled a list of rules/tips you should follow when having a sale.

1. If you don't have enough items to cover two tables, don't bother. Just box it all up and take to a thrift store. Because when I'm driving down random streets to find the address listed on your sign and pull up to see 3 old VHS tapes, 4 old t-shirts and a dresser, I'm going to be pissed off.

2. On that note, just stop using the word "HUGE" when describing your sale. I have YET to see a sale that lives up to the hype on the sign. Unless your junk takes up a whole building (like fund raiser sales where tons of people donate and it's held at one location) chances are I will be disappointed. I hate seeing their HUGE sign advertising their HUGE sale and drive along all happy, pull up to the garage where I see a sale like in Rule #1, what a HUGE disappointment, you LIAR!

3. Signs! The signs are SO important! You HAVE to make them readable. It kills me when I pull up to a piece of cardboard about the size of a post-it, with the address written in pencil/cursive/smallest handwriting known to man. If I need a magnifying glass to see it while holding it, chances are I won't see it from my car while turning a corner. Here's a helpful list of what your sign should include:

-HUGE piece of cardboard.

-BLACK permanent marker

-LARGE handwriting

-VITAL information (address, time, date)

-DO NOT USE CURSIVE or shitty handwriting.

-Don't worry about making it pretty, nobody cares. As long as we can read it, that's all that matters.

4. To piggyback on that note, you have to use a good amount of signs. Don't put one on a corner and just think we'll figure it out from there. It's helpful to continue directing us as we drive. Tell us to keep going or turn. Because if people are like me, unless it's in your direct neighborhood, chances are you have no CLUE where you are or how to get to the address on the sign. Help me, help you. Kapiche?

5. I am horrified at the items people think to sell. Here are some items I do not think should be sold, ever.

-Toilet plunger. (I would normally think this is obvious, but I saw it at a sale today.)

-Undergarments. I'm sorry Martha, but I don't want your used underwear from 1987. Throw it away.

-Used cosmetics. Why, why, why do people set out their used lipbalms or eye shadows or whatever. Come onnnnnn. I don't know where you've been!

-Self-Help books. For anyone who has been to a rummage sale, these are in high supply. Nobody wants them. They ALWAYS end up in people's give-away pile. Just save yourself some trouble and use the pages to wrap presents or something because nobody wants your ridiculous self-help books.

Get it? Got it? Good.

No offense but....

For those who don't know, I'm not very fond of kids. I like them if they're polite and well-behaved and I like them if they were birthed by my sister (because I love my niece and nephew dearly) but other than that, I tend to keep my distance.

Kids are loud, messy and needy and I don't like any of those characteristics. So what I don't understand is why people are so offended when they're invited to something but are told to leave the kids at home. YOU chose to have kids, if YOU want to be around them, fine. But I didn't choose to have children for a reason. I could easily make a craigslist ad requesting a sleazy hour with some strange man passing through town to perform that whole baby-making process with me. However, I'm not interested in the process or the result.

In the past, especially, at my old job, I was around kids ALL day. Screaming, bratty children. I didn't want to surround myself with that on my free time as well. Even now, I'm in a new job and am still exposed to screaming children and I don't particularly like it.

So when there's an 'adult-only' event planned, don't get all irritated if people don't want your kids there. It could mean many things:
A. Your kids are unruly little brats and they don't want to hear you scream and yell at your children, "IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME" all day. Plus nobody can enjoy themselves while watching your spawn run around screaming and destroying things. And are you even having a good time? You can't even hold a normal conversation with anyone.

B. If it's at someone's house, it's possible their house isn't kid-proof. Or perhaps it is kid-proof but they don't want your children's messy, slimy, boogery hands touching their couch or their TV or windows. Are YOU going to stick around and clean up after them? I doubt it.

C. Children are LOUD. Apparently they don't learn about the power of their vocal chords until they're in their 20s, so they think everyone needs to be screamed or yelled. "Inside Voices" just means scream louder. My eardrums can only take so many decibels. Your children have passed that threshold.

Also don't necessarily be mad if you get a babysitter and show up and other people's kids are there. Some kids are actually tolerable, but obviously not yours. Some people do take the time to discipline and raise their kids. These kids are welcome as when their mom simply gives them 'the look', they pipe down. I know because I was one of these kids. I NEVER acted like the kids you see out in public now. Don't believe me? Ask my mother. She reminds me of it all the time.

So the next time you are invited somewhere and someone says, "Please leave your bastards at home" (or that's how I phrase my invites) don't get mad. That's why babysitters were invented. How would you feel if you had a gathering and someone decided to bring their pet highly-venomous rattlesnake? Because that's how I view your children. As slithery, slimy, poisonous reptiles. You should feel lucky you were even invited. If you don't like it, don't come and we'll just sit and talk about your stupid children the whole time.

Movie Theater Etiquette!

Ooh, now I've got a trend. My list of things I think every living person should follow in different areas of their life. It's like your list of commandments, from me. If you don't follow them, I shall have you ridiculed publicly. And stoned, which basically means I will throw rocks at you until you bleed.

So, here are my 5 commandments for the movie theater. Here's the deal. We're all paying a TON to go see a movie, you shouldn't ruin the experience for others. Follow these rules and we'll get along just fine.

1. TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE!

I don't know HOW theaters can make this clearer. They have the nice commercial graphics before the movie that remind you. Plus is it not just common sense to shut it off when walking into the movie? You don't even have to shut it off. Vibrate is just fine. I can't even tell you how annoyed it makes me when you're watching some hottie on screen and he's about to tell his ridiculously beautiful costar that he loves her and I hear, "Myyyy milkshake brings all the boys to the yaaaard and they're like..." Sure enough, some moron didn't turn the sound off their phone. Way to ruin the moment!!! Even worse when the idiot picks up and is like, "Hi! Noooo I'm at a moooovieeee. HUH? A moooovieeeeee." SHUT UP!!!

2. Okay, if your annoying teenage self wants to go out with your annoying friends to have a good time. Don't go to the movies. I cringe when I'm sitting, anxiously awaiting the movie to start and a huge group of 10 annoying prepubescent brats walk in, thinking they're SO amusing and everyone just paid nearly $10 to sit and listen to them talk about their 6th grade graduation and that Billy likes them and all their comments on what's happening in the movie. NEWS FLASH! I didn't! I don't know WHY these brats think they're so hysterical, because they're not. So sit your bony ass down and SHUT UP!

3. I haaate when the theater isn't even full and I'm sitting comfortably with my feet up on the seat in front of me. And there's only 2 other people in the theater and some dumbass group comes and sits in the chair right in front of me. You saw my feet were up, you had 1000 more seats to choose from, WHY this one? I can understand if it's opening night and the theater is packed, but when it's a nearly empty theater? MOVE or else don't mind my foot kicking your skull in throughout the movie!

4. Do not. Do not. DO NOT bring your children to the movies. I should clarify. If it's an animated one or whatever, fine. But if you bring your 2-year-old in to watch some bang-bang-shoot-em-up with lots of sex and swearing? You suck at life. Not only should they not be watching that, but they will also sit and cry and whine that they have to visit the bathroom every 5 seconds. That's what babysitters are for. If you can't afford one, maybe you shouldn't be buying movie tickets asshole.

5. If you're going to see a movie with someone, more than likely they have not seen the movie before, so when you sit and ask questions like, "Does he love her?!", "Who is that?", "Will she die?", "What happens?" I want to respond, "Gee! I don't know! Let's watch and find out together!!!"

There you have it. A quick list of things to remember. If you follow them, it'll give me one less excuse to punch you in the face.

10 Golden Rules Every Customer Should Follow!

I have been struggling to come up with a topic to bitch about for a while now. And of course, like always, my topic came to me while in the shower. Plus it was semi-inspired by my friend Michelle, who works in retail and has plenty of her own horror stories to tell. :D

I had a dreadful day at work today, it seems all the idiots decided to come out and play and ruin my day, so I thought I would compile a list of etiquette that all customers should follow. Since I will be leaving my current job on Friday, my interaction with stupid people will significantly drop and I fear my writing will suffer as I will miss out on some great material. So here is my one last "Hurrah!" to bash the general population.

There are 10 rules that I will include that I think all customers should follow, by following these rules, you will have a better chance of actually getting the answers and service you desire, in addition to making me hate you less (not completely, just less). If you do not follow these, I will slowly kill you with my eyes and silently scream expletives at you in my head, occasionally one may slip out and you will totally deserve it.

Rule Number 1:

I have already discussed this in a previous entry, but I will quickly go over it again. Do not waste our time asking how we are. You do not care and you do not want to hear the real answer. Just get right to the point and we will both be happy. OR if you do ask it, prepare for a response you do not want. I will give you my real answer, "How am I?! Well, let me just tell you! I am PISSED OFF that I am here today and that you are wasting my time by asking me a question that you REALLY don't want the answer to! I just started my period yesterday, so I am shedding my uterine lining as we speak and because of that, my ovaries are starting WWIII and losing. My hormones are in overdrive and I am actually visualizing ripping your head off and shoving it up your pimpled ASS! So, I guess you could say that I am FINE, as that is the answer you are looking for! How can I help YOU?!" Ahem. Moving on...

Rule Number 2:
When calling a place of business, prepare your phone call before you dial! There is nothing worse than picking up the phone and having one of three things happen.

1a. I will answer the phone and I get someone who starts the conversation like this, and this is a literal example, it happened today: "Oh Hi! (like they are surprised someone answered!) Umm, I have a question, umm, yeah, so...., um...., I'm wondering, umm....Yeah...ummmm...Are you there?!" It's like, "Yes MORON. I am sitting here waiting for you to spit it out! It's like they just dialed the number and were suddenly so confused on why they called in the first place!

1b. I also hate the people who call and start it like: "Hi! I have a question. I don't even know if you're the right person to ask, or if you need to transfer me to the right person, or who I need to talk to." SERIOUSLY?! GET TO THE POINT!

2. Someone calls and they say, "Yeah! I was wondering if I could get your fax number!" So I start to tell them and they frantically interrupt me to say, "Oh wait wait! Let me grab a pen!" Umm, really? Did you think for a second you were Captain Remember Everything and wouldn't need one and then realized you lost your super powers? Why wouldn't you have one to begin with?!

3. At my job, we have people call us with addresses of houses and we look them up and let the person know what their neighborhood school is. So I get a call today, the woman specifically says, "If I give you an address, can you tell me what school it would be?" Absofreakinglutely. So I put her on hold to get my program up, come back and I say, "Okay what's the address?" She responds, "Oh, well I don't have a specific address. It's right by blah blah and across from blah blah." I'm like, seriously? You specifically said you had an ADDRESS. So I say, "Yeah, I need an exact address to put in the program and look." She says, "Yeah but it's right by blah blah, can you just put that in?" Umm, if I could, wouldn't I freaking tell you?!

Rule Number 3:

Let's just keep this simple. I want every person reading this to take, "Umm Yesssssssss." out of their vocabulary. I don't know what it is about that phrase and people's need to do it in the highest pitch possible, but it is annoying and I curse your family every time you use it.

Rule Number 4:

Do not call and start a conversation with, "Yes, I have a question." No shikaka, Sherlock. I did not think you were calling to make a statement.

Rule Number 5:

I don't care how mad or upset you are. If you start the conversation screaming and yelling at me, I will do everything in my power to NOT help you. 99.99% of the time, it's not the person's fault that you're talking to and even if it is, why would someone want to help you when you're screaming at them? I will silently listen and make the 'crazy' sign to my coworkers that I have a real a-hole on the phone. I will let you pop blood vessels in your eyes and give yourself a hemorrhoid and then when you're finished, I will deny the ability to help you and pass you off onto someone else where you will then have to retell your story. Then you will be the laughing stock of the entire office and my entire circle of family and facebook friends. I will look up all the information I can on you, where you work, who your kids are, what their discipline is, your criminal history (oh yes, I have the ability to do that), your google pages, etc etc. Plus you will be filed in my brain under, "Psycho Paths to Avoid" and whenever you name is seen again in our office, it will be followed by, "Oooooh...that douchebag....remember the time..." Do you want that reputation?

Here's a simple phrase I use anytime I have to call someone when I'm frustrated, "Hi, I know you're not the person at fault, but I am very frustrated right now and I'm hoping you will be able to help me." In all situations, the person is like, "Gosh! I am so sorry! What's going on? How can I help?"

Rule Number 6:

Pay attention to store hours! I cannot stress this enough! There is nothing WORSE than nearing the end of your shift/work day and having someone come 5 minutes before closing wanting to enroll their 4 spawn. Or the same applies for retail. If the store closes at 9, don't come and browse or make a time-consuming purchase at 8:55. It's common courtesy. We now tell people our hours are 7:30-4:45, but do not come any later than 4:30. If you're one of these doucheknockers, do YOU enjoy staying past your scheduled time, usually without pay? I frikken doubt it. And even if we are paid, we've just likely worked an 8+ hour shift and want to go home to our husbands, children, kitties and/or liquor cabinet.

Rule Number 7:

Voicemail is there for a reason. I was on a phone call once, probably with some idiot from "Rule Number 2", and a woman called me, then when she was sent to voicemail because I wasn't finished with the first call yet, she hung up and redialed TWO MORE TIMES. If I didn't answer the first time, chances are I'm not just sitting by my phone laughing at your dumbass. I'm obviously busy. Leave a voicemail and I will call you back when I am damn good and ready, or frikken feel like it!

Rule Number 8:

We have a sign by our counter that specifically states "No Children on Counter!" People seem to not want to follow it. I don't know where your nasty baby's ass has been! Get it off my work space!

Rule Number 9:
You, the customer, are NOT always right. This is a STUPID phrase. I had a jerkoff call me just last week asking if his child could attend Kindergarten in the fall. There is a STATE LAW that states a child has to turn 5 on or before September 1st in order to go. His child turned 5 in like October/November. This is not my rule. I could care less when his child attends but he kept arguing with me that he heard from a TEACHER that she could go if she passed a genius test. I was like, "God yes, I know your child learned to read 2 weeks after conception and your wife had to shove a Kindle up her vagina for your extremely gifted fetus to read. However, this is not interesting to me." He just kept arguing and arguing and saying I was wrong. I wanted to say, "Sure, I work in Registration, but come on down and have us tell you this in person, I don't care." You are not right!!!

Rule Number 10:

Don't blame me for your idiot moves in life. I have had countless people call, who have lost their diploma. They are calling to get another copy. We don't do that, in order to get a copy, they have to call Jostens to get one reprinted and we hear it's quite expensive. These people then get all pissed off at ME because we can't just make them one for free. Oh gee! I am SO sorry I caused the flood/tornado/natural disaster that ate your diploma. Or was so irresponsible and didn't make two copies because I'd know you'd lose your second one. And gosh, please accept my apology for calling the company that will make copies and convincing them to charge so much just to make your life a living Hell.

So there you have it. 10 Simple Rules for Stupid A-Holes. Those are the rules I have created for right now and if I think of more, I will definitely make everyone aware. If you have any YOU would like to add, comment!

My "Smart and Single" Registry!

I've found, that as I'm getting older, the people around me are on these new little life adventures. They are getting married, having babies and then getting rewarded for these choices they've made by being showered in gifts. Both babies and weddings make me uncomfortable and I avoid both like the plague, but if I'm close enough to the person, I'll head on over to target.com or Babies R Us and pick up the cheapest thing off their registry. I've never really complained. However, now as I've got to thinking, I realize how unfair this is!
In my life, I don't feel the need to 'complete myself' with another person that will most certainly end up getting on my nerves and pissing me off royally which will just cause a long, expensive and bitter divorce; nor do I ever want to push a screaming needy leech out of my crotch. So, because of these two beliefs I mine, I will never get to have a surprise shower where I show up and get to 'ooh' and 'ahh' over presents people bought for me. What a crock! I say I need to throw a, "Dammit! I'm single and without child, yet I have a mortgage and awesome personality and therefore you should bring me presents" party! And you're all invited.

I'm completely happy with my lifestyle choices I'm making, however, I miss out on a lot of the 'perks' you people seem to be awarded. Compare my life to a normal suburban lifestyle.

Suburbia: Boy meets girl, or boy or both, I don't judge. They fall in love. They decide they want to make it official because they have each found their other half. They plan a wedding and the couple has an amazing shower where they end up with 4 toasters, a crockpot and spoon set. Fine.

Then there's me: I learn from other's mistakes. I figure out that I don't need a half to make me whole. I'm one whole bitch and I intend to stay that way. I buy a house and go to work to buy my house furnishes. That's bogus. I'd like a fancy toaster or wine glass set. How come I have to buy it on my own?

Suburbia: The 'happily ever after' couple decide that they are so amazing that they need to try to duplicate their awesomeness and decide to make some spawn. Mommy (or surrogate, if that's how you roll) is pregnant. Her friends love her so much they throw her a party and buy her tiny shirts and socks that her baby will only end up wearing once. Wonderful.

Me: I adopt a kitty. She's MUCH cheaper and not as needy as an infant. However, I don't recall having a "WELCOME KITTY!" shower thrown in her honor. It's hard work going and picking your best friend you'll have for the next 10-20 years. Compare THAT to childbirth. I had to go buy food, toys and kitty wigs all on my own!

Suburbia: Uhoh. Little Baby Timmy got a case of chicken pox. The neighbors all get together and bake some pies and casseroles to bring over to the happy couple's home to just help them out while they duct tape Timmy's hands together so he won't scratch. That's nice.
Me: My kitty has an incurable and indeterminable urinary issue. I spent thousands of dollars and lost many hours of sleep until we figured out a way to help her. Did I ever get casseroles or pies? NO! I want my tatortot hotdish bitch!

Am I bitter? Absolutely. So, I think from now on when I get an invite to a baby or bridal shower, I will RSVP with a link to my Amazon wishlist. I'll buy you your spatula and oven mitt set, you buy me The Mighty Ducks DVD trilogy. You pick the cheapest thing on my list, I'll do the same to yours. It's only fair. If I have to keep rewarding you for your stupid decisions, you can reward me for a lifetime of awesomeness. I buy a onesie for your newest brat, you give Bella a catnip mouse. Fair? Cool.

So here you go, 17 pages of useless material goods that I want. Happy Shopping! And many congrats on your wedding and many unruly offspring. Have fun with that! I will do the same with whatever you buy me.

Taxes!

It's that time of year in the good ole' USA. Tax season!

I don't mind it so much because so far, I've been able to get myself a nice little refund. This year I'm looking at about $1700ish total. Woot! (Too bad it's all going in savings, adulthood is lame) But, as I'm sure you could guess, I do have a gripe about this.

Why is it that people who don't work and/or have spawn get to collect more? Shouldn't I be rewarded for working full time AND not overpopulating the world? By me not having children, I am saving this country SO much money. Why can't my refund reflect that? You want more money, don't make babies!

Instead it's the other way around. You have people who don't hold a job and just have babies like someone's going to steal their uterus tomorrow and they get this insane rebate. How does that make sense?! Why are people rewarded for reproducing? I think they should be fined. "Hello Ma'am. I will hand you your new bastard to hold for the first time, and also your fine of $600 for bringing another child into this world. Maybe now you will have learned your lesson, as having another child will double your fee. Would you like to pay in cash or check?"

China has it perfect, a one-child policy. I think the US can be a little nicer and allow families to have two. That way you can try for a boy/girl combo. However, if you fail and end up with two of the same, that sucks for you, you are DONE. Maybe you can trade with a neighbor if they had the same problem. But if you're cool like me and decide you don't want children, you will get a cash reward every year you don't reproduce. High fives all around.

See, I'm full of great ideas. I should run for Princess of the USA, I'll be the first, and I'll make all the rules.

Lady BlahBlah

Tonight is the Grammys. The one night I look forward to all year. It's like my Christmas. I completely immerse myself in the little details leading up to the big event. I even make a 'wish list' of nominees I want to win. It's a big day for me. It is an award show that includes ALL music and I like (almost) ALL music.

I have a very eclectic taste in music. I imagine there's not many people out there with a "Favorites" playlist that includes Eminem, Justin Bieber (I know, I'm ashamed), Michael Bublé, Taylor Swift, Sugarland, The Beatles, and Queen all together. I can rock it to every one of those. There's not many types of music that I don't like, except for that heavy metal/screamo crap. That just sounds like a 12-year-old girl throwing a temper tantrum because her dad won't let her wear her black eyeliner and black leather miniskirt to school, ugh. Shut it already.

So anyways, I'm checking in on the arrivals and checking out what people are wearing. Then I see her, Lady frikken GaGa. This woman just irritates me. She arrives to the Grammys in an egg. A frikken egg!

I will say, I like a few of her songs and I do acknowledge that she's the 'voice' of many outcasts and kids that are struggling with bullies in school for being different. I get it.
However, at a certain point, I think she's just begging for attention. It would be different if she just wore these ridiculous outfits to awards shows or red carpet events. But she can't even go to the grocery store without wearing a stupid carburetor or bowl of placenta on her head. Come on. It's getting quite old. By dressing like this 24/7, it makes her mediocre and boring. You want to stand out? Don't dress like that on every outing. It's not new and exciting anymore, if it ever was.

If the world was full of everyone being different, we'd all be the same! Can't you put on a pair of jeans and a tshirt once in a while? That would really shock us all. WHAT?! Lady Gaga in flip flops and cut-off shorts? OH THE MADNESS!

Plus this whole, 'she's trying to make a statement with her outfit.' Shut up!!! How about get a voice and say what you mean, versus wearing it. A lot of people don't get it anyway. I'm still trying to figure out her revolting 'meat dress' she wore to the VMAs. Kanye West hates Taylor Swift, will he wear HER down the red carpet? Doubtful. Lindsay Lohan loves her coke, will she bread herself like a porkchop and wear her stash to court next week? Well, not on purpose.

My point is, she's not making me sympathetic towards the people of the world who are 'different' because she's trying way too hard to BE different. She's doing exactly the opposite of what she's putting out there. I'm not buying what she's selling, although with her 'outfit' tonight I do realize I need to pick up some eggs.

Yes, be different, but don't be obnoxious about it. By doing that, you're just bringing more attention to yourself and nobody likes attention whores. So crack that egg, put on a real dress, be respectful to other members of the industry and for God's sake just shut up with your nonvocal statements already!

Ink Me.

My God, I never thought that shopping for a printer would be more difficult than shopping for a car or house. I have seriously spent hours this morning reading reviews, ebaying ink prices, googling printers. I'm just over it! How hard is it to find a good quality printer that also has good ink prices?? Apparently it's rocket science!
I find a great printer for $100ish with great reviews, but then the ink cartridges are like $40! Come ON! I think gasoline is cheaper than this crap! It's colored liquid! Can't I just squirt some water in there with a little food coloring?

They advertise these great prices for these printers, but then the things that keep it working for years to come will make you choose between food or ink for the month. What a monopoly.

I have a printer now, that works fairly well, I haven't had any major problems with it. But it seems to go through ink so unbelievably fast and I can find decent prices on ebay, but when I'm buying replacement cartridges constantly, am I really saving much? I'm just annoyed.

Dramafrikkenrama.

That's really all I had to whine about today.

Klutz.

So, those who know me know I always have a story. No matter where I go, or what I do, I'll come back with a story. Now don't be thinking I'm making up these entertaining bits of my life, they really do happen. Not surprising, knowing me.

So my funny story of the day that I have to share. I went to the doctor this afternoon to see a nutritionist, nothing exciting there. Appointment went great, walked out with some free books and pamphlets and those are always fun. Who doesn't love pamphlets??

Well, honest to God, I'm walking out of OMC and hear allll these sirens and am like, "Lordy, what happened? It's so loud and so close." Start walking out to my car and what do I see? A huge cluster of people, all near to the ground, RIGHT behind my car. I literally walked up and was like, "Ummm..." And they said, "Did you park near here?" I pointed to my car that even had someone's hats/mittens/etc on my trunk and was like, 'Umm..that's my car..?' And they said, "Ok, well..there was an incident, etc etc...you can't move it...etc etc.." I was like Super, or something! So I asked if I could at least get it in, they said yes but that I wouldn't be able to start it as 'her' (the woman who I later learned fell) head was right by my exhaust. I saw her on the ground covered by a blanket and just shaking, I'm assuming from the cold?

Okay, no problem...I guess.

So I'm sitting...the ambulance and fire truck all pull in behind me and start doing their thing. I immediately start texting all my friends and taking pictures for Facebook because that's what my generation does. So I'm waiting, in the cold, waiting to move. Obviously at this point will not be able to make it back to work in time, even if I wanted to! So I'm waiting, waiting. They start taking stuff out of the ambulance to load her up. I hear the story that she tried to get out of some van and slipped and fell (on my car? I hope not. At this point, I realize I have forgotten to check for dents/dings?) and from the sounds of it, hurt her foot. So they initially try to just pick her up to put her on the gurney and she is scrrrreaming, "MY FOOT! OW! MY FOOT! OWW!" So, they realize that doesn't work, after a few tries. So they get the gurney down and load her up. Meanwhile my car shakes once or twice, I don't know what they were doing back there, but they better not have hurt Baby Blue!

So they finally get her in the ambulance and the crowd slowly disperses and I'm still waiting to go. I finally was able to start my car. However, the ambulance doesn't move. I sit there for about another 10 minutes waiting and I finally am pissed and annoyed enough to try to squeeeeze out. It took a few tries, but I was able to do it, cursing the powers that be, the whole time. As I drive past the ambulance, NOBODY is inside the driver's seat. Great! Thanks guys for knowing I'm waiting in my car and just parking it to wait for the next coming of Christ to move your tank.

So there's my story of the day. If something's going to happen, it's going to happen to me.

And below is a picture of the douchebag ambulance who obviously doesn't realize how important my time is and only worries about the injured. Pshaw. They need to recheck their priorities.

In all seriousness, hopefully the woman is okay...or will be. I'm sure her day sucks worse than mine.

How are you?

People would say there are a few questions that you never want to be asked.

"How much do you weigh?"

"How old are you?"
"How many people have you slept with?"

They all could be answered with a swift punch to the face.

However, you could ask me those questions anytime as long as we take one question out of existence: "How are you?" I detest this question! It drives me NUTS! Mostly because the people who normally ask are complete strangers and they don't CARE!

If you don't already know, I work with the public. My day is comprised of answering the telephone and helping idiots that come to our counter. I don't care about these people, they don't care about me. Yet many times a day, I am asked how I'm doing. Really? You won't even be able to recall my name in about 4 minutes, do you really want to hear what I'm currently dealing with internally? No, so don't waste my time. I don't care about you, I don't ask you, please show me the same courtesy. I'm not here to waste your time, don't waste mine. I'm busy at my job and I don't want my time wasted with your pointless questions and my pointless answers.
What I'd really enjoy doing is actually telling people how I am. A "good", "great" or my most favorite response "wonderful" doesn't really reflect the truth.

"How am I? Funny you should ask! Well, I woke up this morning and had insane uterine cramps. You see, I'm on my period and I am flowing like a mad woman. And how are YOU today sir?"

"How am I? Well, you see, *sniffle sniffle*, I broke up with my boyfriend last night and I thought he was the love of my life. We had great break-up sex last night....and this morning... but I still just don't think it's going to work out. Do you think I should try to win him back? Or should I move onto someone else? Are you single?"

"How am I? Well, since you asked, I'm actually quite annoyed. Annoyed because idiots like you keep wasting my time and asking how I am when you don't give a flying fruitcake how I'm actually doing. You want me to simply say "PERFECT!" and move on to helping you, you selfish d'bag. Now what do you really want?"

My favorite is the people who just throw it into their sentence and don't even WAIT for a response. Not that I want to respond but why waste those precious seconds of my life if you're not even faking that you want to know? "Hi, how are you, I have a question." Let's just go to, "Hi! (insert question)" I don't need to be warned that you're going to ask a question, just ask it.

I started to make a game of it at work because it was irritating me so much. So I started to just try to use a different word each time someone asked me. It took me about a half hour to run out of words. Then I started to not answer, I would just follow it up with, "Can I help you?" but then it pissed some idiot off, so now I just answer, 'WONDERFUL! Can I help you?" or my favorite, "Grrrrrrreat. Can I help you?"

I also hate the, "Have a great day!" response when someone is leaving/hanging up. Yeah, do you see where I am? I'm at work. If I were to 'have a great day', I would be somewhere fun. At home in my PJs watching daytime talk shows, on the beach with a drink in hand, anywhere but here. You don't care if I have a great day. You got what you wanted and you're off to have yourself a great day while I'm stuck at work. I realized this week that I like "Have a great weekend!" better because I will, I won't be here! However, this doesn't apply to people who work weekends. So just cut it out. It's not necessary. Waste of time. It's just another irritation.

My dream is to win the lottery. But not because then I'll be sitting pretty in my mansion with my butler serving me breakfast in bed. If I were to win the lottery and never had to work again, I would work. I would take jobs that deal with the public and every place I went, I would not hold back. I would tell people how stupid they were and put them in their place. Of course, I would get fired, but it wouldn't matter. I don't need the job. People would KILL to hire me because I would say what every working person wants to say but can't because we are in the business of 'customer service.' My new motto would be 'SCREW Customer Service!' Fellow employees would love me, bosses would love me. I would be the most sought after employee ever. They would just fire me and say, "She no longer works here" when they receive a complaint, but inside they're completely joyful because they know that person is a douche.

So my lesson for the day, when you call a place of business, any place. Get to it. Don't announce you're going to ask a question, don't ask if you can ask a question, don't ask how we are and don't give us a fake well wishing. Be gracious but not artificially friendly. Just trust me on this.

Stay tuned.

Yes yes. I know.

I am super busy at work this week, another dose of demotivation will hopefully come your way this weekend. While I'm busy at work, I'm finding lots more things I can talk about. Lots of good ideas! Be excited!

Wat r u tryng 2 tell me?

I've had it! This whole outbreak of 'text talk' and bad spelling and grammar. Wasn't this one of the first things we were taught growing up? Kids AND adults these days cannot spell!
I get onto Facebook first thing in the morning and see so many statuses saying things like, "Tamaro will b a grate day! I dnt no wat 2 do 2day!" ARGH! It takes me so much longer to just read it then it would for them to type it out correctly.

People are so lazy that they don't want to spell out a word, they think that b=be or 2=to, two or too (although they probably can't tell the difference between the three to begin with). They think that taking out vowels will save time. What becomes wat. Love becomes Luv. Because becomes cuz. Dumb becomes dum. I could go on and on but my brain is already starting to bleed.

Then there's the idiots who ADD letters or keep the same amount, but switch letters out. I don't know how this saves time. Like becomes lyke. For becomes phor. Everyone now looks like an idiot first grader all of a sudden. And we all know those first graders are pretty dumb.

Aside from the terrible spelling, people still cannot figure out the proper use of grammar. I just don't understand it. To me, it's SO easy to figure out the difference between there, their and they're or two, to and too. What is SO difficult about it? Were you too busy texting during English class? Back in my day, I had to physically write out notes! Man, it was so much work.

Looking back, I can kind of understand why it started out that way. Back when we all had the same cell phone keyboard, in order to text a 'y' in a word, we had to hit 9 three times. Then if you accidentally hit it an extra time, ARGH, you would have to start over. Yes, it was probably easier to text: Wnt 2 go 2 the store wit me?

But now everybody and their mother has a blackberry or a cell phone with a full qwerty keyboard. It is NOT necessary anymore. You want C? Hit the C button. You want Y? Guess what, you just have to hit it once! What a concept! Plus people aren't just using the 'text talk' in texts anymore, it's now transferred over to the internet. WHY? I'm lazy too, but that's just ridiculous! Trying to keep up-to-date with some people on facebook has given me a need to self-medicate.

However, I will admit, I just recently learned how to spell two seemingly easy words. I have been misspelling dying and lying for years. YEARS. I was so ashamed when I finally realized where I went wrong. However, I can defend my thought process. To "dye" is to change the color of something, so why would 'nearing death' be spelled dying?! It should be dieing! And you tell a 'lie', so it should be lieing. But I know...I'm wrong and I have learned my lesson. And now I can continue bitching about the other idiots who can't spell. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Plus, last night on facebook, I was using such big words that I had never used before. I honestly had to google the word to make sure I was using it it in the right context. I was. Because I'm smart. I just didn't realize I knew those words or could find a reason to use them in a sentence. I just amaze myself sometimes with how amazing I am. I was taught well.

Which brings me to an epiphany I had. I think our problem these days is that we don't learn from TV anymore. As a kid, I grew up with the classics. Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, PBS. Now kids have stupid nickelodeon where colorful characters just burp and fart and make hamburgers under the sea. What good is that? The episodes aren't 'brought to you by the letter R" nor do they feature a cool cat in a cardigan feeding his fish and playing with his trolley, not that trolley you sicko, to teach you how crayons are made. Oh no. That's not entertaining anymore. All the fat, and dumb, kids want to do now is play Wii, as long as it's a sitting game, too much activity is hard on their already clogged by processed foods heart. Mmmm pass me the cheese in a can. Barf.

I think our other problem now is the fact that nobody is allowed to beat their children anymore. We're totally missing out on the benefits of that one. You go out now and there are unruly children running amuck, breaking crap, mouthing off and using bad spelling on top of it. I say pull their bottoms down and give them a swift beating, heck I'll hold their arms. Nothing would make me learn to spell more than an ass beating from my mom!

So there you have it. My first dose of demotivation. Although I'm hoping this will push you morons to reread what you type and learn something once in a while, I now feel like I'm under pressure not to make a mistake. I hope you do too. Cuz if u dnt start lrning how 2 spell i will find u n kik ur but.

Wow, that's hard.

That's what she said.

I can't help myself.

What are you doing here?

Oh yes, I asked you to come. That's what she said.

So, with a little prodding from a very persistent friend of mine, I've decided to start a blog. The purpose? To give me a platform to state my opinions on different subject matters, but in a humorous way.

You see, I like to make my opinion known, so in order to make sure everyone hears my opinion, I need to put it out there publicly. I think it's very important for Mr. Obama to hear how I feel about grammar, Walmart or children. It will help him run the country better.

So I've got a plethora of topics written down that I will discuss in time. If you have any suggestions or things you'd like to hear my opinion on, feel free to comment with those ideas!
The title of this blog is the "Dahley" dose. For those who don't know me well, knows that my mom's maiden name is Dahley and I spent a good part of my youth and young adulthood trying to figure out who I was and in the process I had a lot of influence from the Dahley side of my family. So though I am a Quincey, I really relate to the Dahley's well.

However, it may be a bit misleading because I don't know if I can commit to a "Dahley" blog update, but for the sake of the title, let's just pretend I will.

During future updates it is possible that I will use some offensive language or probably offend you. You've been warned. But I'm so damn lovable and witty that you'll keep coming back for more. You know it.

So with that, I have an idea for my first update and I'm going to get to working on it! So...stay tuned! If all goes well, I will post it today!

Later bitches.

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