Tuesday, May 24, 2011

10 Golden Rules Every Customer Should Follow!

I have been struggling to come up with a topic to bitch about for a while now. And of course, like always, my topic came to me while in the shower. Plus it was semi-inspired by my friend Michelle, who works in retail and has plenty of her own horror stories to tell. :D

I had a dreadful day at work today, it seems all the idiots decided to come out and play and ruin my day, so I thought I would compile a list of etiquette that all customers should follow. Since I will be leaving my current job on Friday, my interaction with stupid people will significantly drop and I fear my writing will suffer as I will miss out on some great material. So here is my one last "Hurrah!" to bash the general population.

There are 10 rules that I will include that I think all customers should follow, by following these rules, you will have a better chance of actually getting the answers and service you desire, in addition to making me hate you less (not completely, just less). If you do not follow these, I will slowly kill you with my eyes and silently scream expletives at you in my head, occasionally one may slip out and you will totally deserve it.

Rule Number 1:
I have already discussed this in a previous entry, but I will quickly go over it again. Do not waste our time asking how we are. You do not care and you do not want to hear the real answer. Just get right to the point and we will both be happy. OR if you do ask it, prepare for a response you do not want. I will give you my real answer, "How am I?! Well, let me just tell you! I am PISSED OFF that I am here today and that you are wasting my time by asking me a question that you REALLY don't want the answer to! I just started my period yesterday, so I am shedding my uterine lining as we speak and because of that, my ovaries are starting WWIII and losing. My hormones are in overdrive and I am actually visualizing ripping your head off and shoving it up your pimpled ASS! So, I guess you could say that I am FINE, as that is the answer you are looking for! How can I help YOU?!" Ahem. Moving on...

Rule Number 2:
When calling a place of business, prepare your phone call before you dial! There is nothing worse than picking up the phone and having one of three things happen.
1a. I will answer the phone and I get someone who starts the conversation like this, and this is a literal example, it happened today: "Oh Hi! (like they are surprised someone answered!) Umm, I have a question, umm, yeah, so...., um...., I'm wondering, umm....Yeah...ummmm...Are you there?!" It's like, "Yes MORON. I am sitting here waiting for you to spit it out! It's like they just dialed the number and were suddenly so confused on why they called in the first place!
1b. I also hate the people who call and start it like: "Hi! I have a question. I don't even know if you're the right person to ask, or if you need to transfer me to the right person, or who I need to talk to." SERIOUSLY?! GET TO THE POINT!
2. Someone calls and they say, "Yeah! I was wondering if I could get your fax number!" So I start to tell them and they frantically interrupt me to say, "Oh wait wait! Let me grab a pen!" Umm, really? Did you think for a second you were Captain Remember Everything and wouldn't need one and then realized you lost your super powers? Why wouldn't you have one to begin with?!
3. At my job, we have people call us with addresses of houses and we look them up and let the person know what their neighborhood school is. So I get a call today, the woman specifically says, "If I give you an address, can you tell me what school it would be?" Absofreakinglutely. So I put her on hold to get my program up, come back and I say, "Okay what's the address?" She responds, "Oh, well I don't have a specific address. It's right by blah blah and across from blah blah." I'm like, seriously? You specifically said you had an ADDRESS. So I say, "Yeah, I need an exact address to put in the program and look." She says, "Yeah but it's right by blah blah, can you just put that in?" Umm, if I could, wouldn't I freaking tell you?!

Rule Number 3:
Let's just keep this simple. I want every person reading this to take, "Umm Yesssssssss." out of their vocabulary. I don't know what it is about that phrase and people's need to do it in the highest pitch possible, but it is annoying and I curse your family every time you use it.

Rule Number 4:
Do not call and start a conversation with, "Yes, I have a question." No shikaka, Sherlock. I did not think you were calling to make a statement.

Rule Number 5:
I don't care how mad or upset you are. If you start the conversation screaming and yelling at me, I will do everything in my power to NOT help you. 99.99% of the time, it's not the person's fault that you're talking to and even if it is, why would someone want to help you when you're screaming at them? I will silently listen and make the 'crazy' sign to my coworkers that I have a real a-hole on the phone. I will let you pop blood vessels in your eyes and give yourself a hemorrhoid and then when you're finished, I will deny the ability to help you and pass you off onto someone else where you will then have to retell your story. Then you will be the laughing stock of the entire office and my entire circle of family and facebook friends. I will look up all the information I can on you, where you work, who your kids are, what their discipline is, your criminal history (oh yes, I have the ability to do that), your google pages, etc etc. Plus you will be filed in my brain under, "Psycho Paths to Avoid" and whenever you name is seen again in our office, it will be followed by, "Oooooh...that douchebag....remember the time..." Do you want that reputation?
Here's a simple phrase I use anytime I have to call someone when I'm frustrated, "Hi, I know you're not the person at fault, but I am very frustrated right now and I'm hoping you will be able to help me." In all situations, the person is like, "Gosh! I am so sorry! What's going on? How can I help?"

Rule Number 6:
Pay attention to store hours! I cannot stress this enough! There is nothing WORSE than nearing the end of your shift/work day and having someone come 5 minutes before closing wanting to enroll their 4 spawn. Or the same applies for retail. If the store closes at 9, don't come and browse or make a time-consuming purchase at 8:55. It's common courtesy. We now tell people our hours are 7:30-4:45, but do not come any later than 4:30. If you're one of these doucheknockers, do YOU enjoy staying past your scheduled time, usually without pay? I frikken doubt it. And even if we are paid, we've just likely worked an 8+ hour shift and want to go home to our husbands, children, kitties and/or liquor cabinet.

Rule Number 7:
Voicemail is there for a reason. I was on a phone call once, probably with some idiot from "Rule Number 2", and a woman called me, then when she was sent to voicemail because I wasn't finished with the first call yet, she hung up and redialed TWO MORE TIMES. If I didn't answer the first time, chances are I'm not just sitting by my phone laughing at your dumbass. I'm obviously busy. Leave a voicemail and I will call you back when I am damn good and ready, or frikken feel like it!

Rule Number 8:
We have a sign by our counter that specifically states "No Children on Counter!" People seem to not want to follow it. I don't know where your nasty baby's ass has been! Get it off my work space!

Rule Number 9:
You, the customer, are NOT always right. This is a STUPID phrase. I had a jerkoff call me just last week asking if his child could attend Kindergarten in the fall. There is a STATE LAW that states a child has to turn 5 on or before September 1st in order to go. His child turned 5 in like October/November. This is not my rule. I could care less when his child attends but he kept arguing with me that he heard from a TEACHER that she could go if she passed a genius test. I was like, "God yes, I know your child learned to read 2 weeks after conception and your wife had to shove a Kindle up her vagina for your extremely gifted fetus to read. However, this is not interesting to me." He just kept arguing and arguing and saying I was wrong. I wanted to say, "Sure, I work in Registration, but come on down and have us tell you this in person, I don't care." You are not right!!!

Rule Number 10:
Don't blame me for your idiot moves in life. I have had countless people call, who have lost their diploma. They are calling to get another copy. We don't do that, in order to get a copy, they have to call Jostens to get one reprinted and we hear it's quite expensive. These people then get all pissed off at ME because we can't just make them one for free. Oh gee! I am SO sorry I caused the flood/tornado/natural disaster that ate your diploma. Or was so irresponsible and didn't make two copies because I'd know you'd lose your second one. And gosh, please accept my apology for calling the company that will make copies and convincing them to charge so much just to make your life a living Hell.

So there you have it. 10 Simple Rules for Stupid A-Holes. Those are the rules I have created for right now and if I think of more, I will definitely make everyone aware. If you have any YOU would like to add, comment!


  1. Pay what is due. Don't try to swindle, discount, or get any fee waived. Make your human contribution to society and play the game fair and square like anyone else. You're not special, and we're not homies and there is no "hook-up" button.

  2. Agree with all of the above!! I also hate when people call and have stuff going on in the background..."Billy! Put the noodles away! Sue stop coloring on the walls! Steve can you find my purse?!" and I'm like umm hello....you called me but I'm interrupting you.

    I also hate when people freak out about having to come to the store more than once and freak out about gas prices and having to drive so far. It's not my fault gas is expensive and they chose to live in the middle of nowhere. Get your shit together the first time so you don't have to come in multiple times.

    I'm sure I have more :)

  3. "your wife had to shove a Kindle up her vagina for your extremely gifted fetus to read"


  4. fucking ridiculous

  5. Ooooh, anonymous! How brave of you! :D