How are you?

People would say there are a few questions that you never want to be asked.

"How much do you weigh?"

"How old are you?"
"How many people have you slept with?"

They all could be answered with a swift punch to the face.

However, you could ask me those questions anytime as long as we take one question out of existence: "How are you?" I detest this question! It drives me NUTS! Mostly because the people who normally ask are complete strangers and they don't CARE!

If you don't already know, I work with the public. My day is comprised of answering the telephone and helping idiots that come to our counter. I don't care about these people, they don't care about me. Yet many times a day, I am asked how I'm doing. Really? You won't even be able to recall my name in about 4 minutes, do you really want to hear what I'm currently dealing with internally? No, so don't waste my time. I don't care about you, I don't ask you, please show me the same courtesy. I'm not here to waste your time, don't waste mine. I'm busy at my job and I don't want my time wasted with your pointless questions and my pointless answers.
What I'd really enjoy doing is actually telling people how I am. A "good", "great" or my most favorite response "wonderful" doesn't really reflect the truth.

"How am I? Funny you should ask! Well, I woke up this morning and had insane uterine cramps. You see, I'm on my period and I am flowing like a mad woman. And how are YOU today sir?"

"How am I? Well, you see, *sniffle sniffle*, I broke up with my boyfriend last night and I thought he was the love of my life. We had great break-up sex last night....and this morning... but I still just don't think it's going to work out. Do you think I should try to win him back? Or should I move onto someone else? Are you single?"

"How am I? Well, since you asked, I'm actually quite annoyed. Annoyed because idiots like you keep wasting my time and asking how I am when you don't give a flying fruitcake how I'm actually doing. You want me to simply say "PERFECT!" and move on to helping you, you selfish d'bag. Now what do you really want?"

My favorite is the people who just throw it into their sentence and don't even WAIT for a response. Not that I want to respond but why waste those precious seconds of my life if you're not even faking that you want to know? "Hi, how are you, I have a question." Let's just go to, "Hi! (insert question)" I don't need to be warned that you're going to ask a question, just ask it.

I started to make a game of it at work because it was irritating me so much. So I started to just try to use a different word each time someone asked me. It took me about a half hour to run out of words. Then I started to not answer, I would just follow it up with, "Can I help you?" but then it pissed some idiot off, so now I just answer, 'WONDERFUL! Can I help you?" or my favorite, "Grrrrrrreat. Can I help you?"

I also hate the, "Have a great day!" response when someone is leaving/hanging up. Yeah, do you see where I am? I'm at work. If I were to 'have a great day', I would be somewhere fun. At home in my PJs watching daytime talk shows, on the beach with a drink in hand, anywhere but here. You don't care if I have a great day. You got what you wanted and you're off to have yourself a great day while I'm stuck at work. I realized this week that I like "Have a great weekend!" better because I will, I won't be here! However, this doesn't apply to people who work weekends. So just cut it out. It's not necessary. Waste of time. It's just another irritation.

My dream is to win the lottery. But not because then I'll be sitting pretty in my mansion with my butler serving me breakfast in bed. If I were to win the lottery and never had to work again, I would work. I would take jobs that deal with the public and every place I went, I would not hold back. I would tell people how stupid they were and put them in their place. Of course, I would get fired, but it wouldn't matter. I don't need the job. People would KILL to hire me because I would say what every working person wants to say but can't because we are in the business of 'customer service.' My new motto would be 'SCREW Customer Service!' Fellow employees would love me, bosses would love me. I would be the most sought after employee ever. They would just fire me and say, "She no longer works here" when they receive a complaint, but inside they're completely joyful because they know that person is a douche.

So my lesson for the day, when you call a place of business, any place. Get to it. Don't announce you're going to ask a question, don't ask if you can ask a question, don't ask how we are and don't give us a fake well wishing. Be gracious but not artificially friendly. Just trust me on this.