Thursday, July 28, 2011

No offense but....

For those who don't know, I'm not very fond of kids. I like them if they're polite and well-behaved and I like them if they were birthed by my sister (because I love my niece and nephew dearly) but other than that, I tend to keep my distance.
Kids are loud, messy and needy and I don't like any of those characteristics. So what I don't understand is why people are so offended when they're invited to something but are told to leave the kids at home. YOU chose to have kids, if YOU want to be around them, fine. But I didn't choose to have children for a reason. I could easily make a craigslist ad requesting a sleazy hour with some strange man passing through town to perform that whole baby-making process with me. However, I'm not interested in the process or the result.
In the past, especially, at my old job, I was around kids ALL day. Screaming, bratty children. I didn't want to surround myself with that on my free time as well. Even now, I'm in a new job and am still exposed to screaming children and I don't particularly like it.
So when there's an 'adult-only' event planned, don't get all irritated if people don't want your kids there. It could mean many things:
A. Your kids are unruly little brats and they don't want to hear you scream and yell at your children, "IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME" all day. Plus nobody can enjoy themselves while watching your spawn run around screaming and destroying things. And are you even having a good time? You can't even hold a normal conversation with anyone.
B. If it's at someone's house, it's possible their house isn't kid-proof. Or perhaps it is kid-proof but they don't want your children's messy, slimy, boogery hands touching their couch or their TV or windows. Are YOU going to stick around and clean up after them? I doubt it.
C. Children are LOUD. Apparently they don't learn about the power of their vocal chords until they're in their 20s, so they think everyone needs to be screamed or yelled. "Inside Voices" just means scream louder. My eardrums can only take so many decibels. Your children have passed that threshold.

Also don't necessarily be mad if you get a babysitter and show up and other people's kids are there. Some kids are actually tolerable, but obviously not yours. Some people do take the time to discipline and raise their kids. These kids are welcome as when their mom simply gives them 'the look', they pipe down. I know because I was one of these kids. I NEVER acted like the kids you see out in public now. Don't believe me? Ask my mother. She reminds me of it all the time.

So the next time you are invited somewhere and someone says, "Please leave your bastards at home" (or that's how I phrase my invites) don't get mad. That's why babysitters were invented. How would you feel if you had a gathering and someone decided to bring their pet highly-venomous rattlesnake? Because that's how I view your children. As slithery, slimy, poisonous reptiles. You should feel lucky you were even invited. If you don't like it, don't come and we'll just sit and talk about your stupid children the whole time.


  1. sooooo true! the older i get, the i tolerate kids. and lately i've noticed i'm started to refer to parents whose kids are TERRORS: "breeders". i actually let it slip in the store a few days ago. :\ this lady was at the grocery store with her FOUR kids all under probably 7. they were all little horrible monsters running around, screaming and the woman kept SCREAMING: "SHUT UP! BE QUIET!" etc... UGH. can we say hypocrite?!?!? and after one of her kids nearly gets plowed down by a cart for running around and her screaming at her kid, i meant to say in my head, "fucking breeders", but alas, i said it out loud. ooops. the look the woman gave me was priceless.

    but on the other hand, i have friends who have kids whom are WONDERFULLY behaved. they're awesome kids, well behaved, etc... i don't mind being around them. i wouldn't want to be around them 24/7, but in small doses i don't mind.

    also, lots more places are becoming childfree. some stores are starting to have childfree hours, a restaurant somewhere was in the news for banning children. and there's a website that lists hotels that do not allow children at all or only children over a certain age.

  2. LOL Breeders, that is AWESOME!
    And I need to find childfree places and spend all my time outside the home at those places.

  3. I have a button that says "proud nonbreeder from planet fabulous" :)

    I hate when children are at my house and remarks are made about how my house isn't child-proof. Well no duh.