Tuesday, January 17, 2012

GET OFF THE ROAD ASSMUNCH!

Did I get your attention? I hope so. Be warned, lots of colorful language on this one. I'm agitated.

I have had this blog in my head for months and just never had that motivation to write it. Now I do. Especially after the ballsacks on wheels this morning! It's quite apparent that people do not know how to drive, except for me of course, and maybe you if you're reading and agree. If you don't agree, than you are one of the people I am about to describe.

1. My biggest pet peeve in life - People who think blinkers are unnecessary.
Seriously, what do you think they are for?! Do you think it's a pretty blinking light in your car to use for decoration? No, it's to alert the people behind you on your next asshole move.
There's the idiots who don't use them at all and I literally want to kill them, no sugarcoating that one. I am in my car plotting how I would kill you. Like this little girl. You're the driver in the car she pushes off the table and I proceed to cackle like she does.
Then there's the morons who put them on at the last minute or AS they're turning. No shit Sherlock! "Wow, thanks for turning that blinker on AS you're rounding the corner. Thank GOD otherwise I would have no clue what you were doing!!!!!!" Or I'm coming up to the turn lane and put my blinker on ahead of time to alert the people behind me of my next big move. The guy in front of me is driving down the turn lane, then puts the blinker on as he's already in it. Seriously asswipe? A little heads-up would have been nice. A, "Hey! Look at me! I'm a big dork and I'm going to be turning soon!"

2. People who should migrate South for the winter.
I realize that I've only been driving in winter weather for a couple years, but there's some IDIOTS that seem to think that going 5mph when there's 2 snowflakes falling from the sky is safe driving. NO! I was behind some broad this morning going 10mph in town and we hadn't even had an inch of snow fall. I'm aware you can't go 50; however, I was sliding all over the place because we were going so slow that I couldn't get any traction!! I ended up passing her and when I was going 30, I did just fine! Of course, I'm not saying all winter driving is like this. I am aware that some days require very slow and careful driving, but today was not one of them. In fact, most days aren't, yet some people seem to think otherwise. Douchebags.

3. Litterers.
How hard is it to put a little plastic bag in your car and throw the trash in it. Here's a hint, it's not hard. When you throw your nasty ass cigarette out the window I want to pick it up and make you eat it with your cancer-infected mouth you disgusting human being, enjoy cancer.

4. Pedestrians.
I realize they aren't behind an actual wheel, but they're behind their wheel of life (cheesy, I know, but I'm making a point) that I'm about to destroy with my car. First of all, just because you're on foot does NOT mean that I need to stop and let you cross anytime/anywhere. There are crosswalks and intersections. I drive by a section of town everyday that has intersections with stop signs to allow pedestrians to cross. However there's these morons that seem to think they can just cross right in the middle of anywhere and I'll stop for them. The sad truth is, they're right because if I were to hit them, I would be at fault. GO FIGURE. Your head is implanted in my grill for jaywalking and I'm at fault. Whatevs. Contact my lawyer.
On that note, when I'm stopping to allow you to cross, MOVE. I've got Grandma Grunt with a cast iron _____, you fill in the blank, who clearly has nowhere to be. Do you not see me (or hear me when it's nice and the windows are down) screaming at you from my vehicle?! MOVE!!!!!!

5. Bikers. I HATE THEM!!!!!
I so badly want to open my doors when I come across a stupid ass biker. There are BIKE PATHS! SHOULDERS! BUSES! Get off your damn bike and get out of my way! These clowns want to be treated like vehicles yet don't want to follow the same rules drivers do! WTF? First they want to slow down traffic and drive in the middle of the lane so nobody can pass. Then they get to a stop sign and blow right through it like it doesn't exist! Yet again, if somebody were to hit them, they would be at fault! Umm HELLO! Their stupid little, "Watch for Bikers" stickers they hand out, ugh. Here's a sticker for you, "Hey spandex freak! Watch for Stop Signs!! EAT PAVEMENT JERK!"

6. Green means GO!
I hate the people who are first at a green light, the light turns green and they slowly accelerate, gaining normal speed after about a mile. Really? Green doesn't mean 'Proceed with Caution! It means GOOOOOOOOO!!!!

7. 4-Way stops are the new rocket science.
WHAT is so difficult to understand? Come ON folks! WAKE UP! You get there and you're the last to arrive and everyone just f'ing sits there. One inches, then stops when another does, then they stop and everyone is sitting, waiting for someone to make a move. Then someone does and they all decide it's now their turn to go AT THE SAME TIME. Meanwhile, I'm going flipping the bird saying, "Peace out Mofos! This bitch ain't got all day!" I just can't understand why it's so hard to get.

8. Overly cautious people.
Hey, I'm trying not to die myself, but sometimes you're just way overboard with the 'safety first' bullshit. They're the ones, like I mentioned before, at the green light who look booth ways and slowly creep across the intersection like God in a semi is going to blow through the light and knock their stupid ass into the next county. Or they're at a stop sign/4-way stop and they stop and look both ways about 18 times. JUST GO! If you don't see them now and they STILL hit you, it was obviously your time to go.

9. Overly polite.
I hate when I'm behind a car and they seem to think it's okay to stop at any point in their journey and let random cars out or random pedestrians cross at non-crosswalks. Listen Mother Theresa, you might not have anywhere to be, but I do, so MOVE!

10. Unclassified.
I don't really know what to call these idiots but they PISS me off. You know those moments in heavy traffic when you're alerted that a certain lane is closing up ahead? You promptly merge over and are in that one giant turd of a line, 'patiently' waiting? Then you've got these dumbasses who think they're smarter than alllllll the rest of us and they whiz past us expecting to merge in right at the front of the line? Here's what I have to say to you, with no filter, FUCK you! I hate you so much, you have no idea. Do you think we're all just chillin in the lane because we are sheep who enjoy traffic? NO!
Know who I hate even worse? The asshats that let them in!! NO! Let them sit there until they run out of gas! They deserve it!!! WHY would you let them in?! I hate you and curse your family!

Okay, I was able to think of 10 and could probably do about 30 more. If you'd like to see a part two, comment with things that give YOU road rage.

Oh, and if you fit into any of these categories, promptly shred your license and get a bus pass because we all hate you.

3 comments:

  1. I had a guy yesterday as I was approaching a corner to turn right, blaze up next to me in the left turn lane completely blocking my view. I'm in a tiny car and can't see anything through his big douchey truck. To be nice, I pulled forward even more to block his view so neither of us could go. Since a car was waiting to turn left onto the street we were on, he backed up, finally.

    I also had a lady last week pull forward so far into a left turn lane and didn't bother to back up after the light turned red and she couldn't go. I was turning left from a one-way with two lanes of left-turning traffic onto her street and barely made it.

    Oh and what about people who don't merge for oncoming traffic on the highway? Those are my favorite people!

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  2. I hate when people can't figure out roundabouts! There is one by my house I go through every day and I kid you not there will be times were there are 4 cars stopped to get into it. There's no reason there should be a traffic jam outside of a roundabout!!!

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  3. When my husband drives....oh man he's the worst. He TALKS, yes TALKS to other drivers in their car who have their windows rolled up! He uses his blinker BEFORE looking to see if it's safe to switch lanes, then WAITS for a lonely "kind" soul of a doormat to "let" him in and says things like, "FUCK!! These assholes won't let me over!!" I say, "They don't have to! The blinker doesn't ask permission. It's not a light for permission and favors. It's a light that tells other drivers SPEED UP! You gotta look for an empty spot first, THEN use your blinker as a COURTESY only, for those around you. It's not a signal for permission." 5 and a half years, and he still doesn't know how to use his blinker. He also doesn't know how to merge on the freeway, b/c yet again he waits for someone else to grant him a favor (& let him in), instead of finding an empty spot and quickly getting in it. So he approaches death traffic, gets hella nervous and ANGRY and when that lonely fucken doormat of a soul "LETS" him in, he bows his head and waves enthusiastically and gratefully and says, "THANK YOU THANK YOU KIND SOUL! Bless your soul." And I scream, "ONLY PERSON CAN HEAR YOU IS ME!!!!!!" And then I say in my head, STFU!!!!! >:/ Sarah, please don't get in the car with him, bc you won't be able to control your fists.

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