Patience is a virtuuuue!!!

I am the first to admit that I am one of THE MOST impatient people you will ever meet. I hate hate hate people that slow me down or make me wait, it's one of my biggest pet peeves. However, there are places that I will never be impatient: restaurants and stores.

Nothing pisses me off more than rude, impatient people towards wait staff or retail employees. I have never worked in food service simply because I know I could never put up with it but I have worked in retail before and I said I would live on the streets before I ever did it again. I know what these employees go through and have to put up with, all for minimum wage, so I am more than understanding.

Today I was at one of our local grocery stores. One nice feature is their postal counter. I have quite a few packages to mail on a weekly basis so it's nice to stop at the grocery store on my way home and mail packages and pick up the groceries I need. Well, I had put off a PO trip all week, so I had probably a dozen or so packages to mail when I got there tonight. The girl was going as fast as she could, I know my packages are annoying, so I'm more than patient. This woman comes up behind me about halfway through. I would estimate she maybe waited for 5 minutes, MAYBE. Well, the girl helping me moved to the cash register to finish my transaction and in the meantime, another customer service girl came over to ask the woman behind me what she needed. (While the woman was waiting, I had noticed the girl help a man with his dry cleaning and she had a call that she was trying to track down the person they were calling for, so she certainly wasn't standing picking her ass) this old wench starts bitching at this girl with things like, "I wondered if you were ever going to help me! I was standing here FOREVER while you were walking around doing NOTHING. I JUST want STAMPS!" etc etc The girl was like, "Ummm okay. Well, you can only help one person at a time at the postal counter so..." (Which, technically I know isn't completely true. I've had a few packages before where someone came up in the middle wanting stamps, and another worker interrupted my 'weighing' process to ring up the stamps, I was internally annoyed as I was in line first and they can certainly wait, but I've never vocalized my annoyance as it's not a huge deal.) As my girl finished up with me and I paid her, I leaned in and said, "Wow, good luck with this impatient bitch." The old hag looked at me and said, "Excuuuuuse me?!" I simply grabbed my receipt, shared a smile with the clerk, said, "You heard me." and walked away. I hope that leaves a bad taste in the bitch's mouth for a week.

Now that I'm FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY released from the HELL of working with the public, I feel some sort of obligation to stand up for employees. When I had to deal with the public, I would've killed for someone to stand up for me when I was treated poorly. I'd be dealing with some asshole, finally get them to leave and the next person in line would be like, "Wow...they were a piece of work." Really? Then SAY something because I'm not allowed to! So if anyone were to ever speak up on my behalf, I would have to control myself to not run and hug them. In my recent situation, the woman was a liar. She wasn't even standing there for 5 minutes and even if she had, she's old and retired and probably has nowhere important to be. Even if she does, these employees aren't making a ton of dough to deal with the likes of her on an hourly basis. Not only do they have to take it, they can't dish it out. If you were to say one negative word to a customer you run the risk of getting fired. I think that's a crock, if people are rude bitches it should be allowed to call them on it. So since the employees can't, I'm certainly not going to let the assholes get away with it.

A 'favorite' of mine, when I worked retail, was someone not getting what they wanted and declaring, "I am NEVER shopping here again." Point out one person who gives a shit. The employees pay doesn't increase or decrease depending on what customers come to the store. A grocery store clerk isn't going to make a little bonus due to you returning to their store next week. Nobody cares. Whenever someone told me that, I wanted to respond, "Is that a promise or a threat?!" As a matter of fact, they would probably prefer you keep your ugly ass out of the store.

Another annoyance, while I'm thinking of it, is this whole, "Respect your elders" bullshit. The woman I lipped off to today was old and by old I mean retired, late 60s probably. I'm not going to respect anyone unless they deserve it. This whole mentality that old people should be treated nice no matter what is ludicrous. Doesn't matter if they're 12, 30, 76 or 109. If you're a 109-year-old impatient asshole, you're not getting any sympathy from me.

Think of this way, you could be having a terrible day. Your dog died, you're getting a divorce or maybe you just didn't have enough milk to have a bowl of cereal this morning. You get to a store and you don't think they are moving fast enough for you or aren't coming to your beck 'n call the minute you snap your fingers. Maybe they could work faster, the thing is, it doesn't matter. You don't know squat about them or their lives. Perhaps they just lost a close friend, they broke up with their boyfriend they (stupidly) thought they'd be with forever the night before, or maybe they just woke up and dreaded going to work that day. Either way, your yelling and cursing isn't going to make either of you feel better and it certainly isn't going to make them want to help you any more or work any faster. Whenever I had to deal with assholes, I did as little as I could, as slow as I could because I wanted to make their life as miserable as they were making mine at that moment. Why would they want to give you what you want?? I know sometimes employees aren't giving 100% or could perform better, but they're doing YOU a service, that doesn't mean they're YOUR servant. If not for public employees, you'd be in your kitchen churning your own butter and sewing your own dress, show a little appreciation for the convenience of life now. You're mad that you're spending 2 extra minutes at a checkout counter but think of how much time you're saving yourself from doing so much work on your own! Plus it may be some snot-nosed teenager not performing to your expectations but you're an adult and you should know better.

There's my 84 cents.

Garage Sale Tips

Okay folks. I don't consider myself a pro at it, but I sure know a thing or two about rummage sales. I've compiled a list of rules/tips you should follow when having a sale.

1. If you don't have enough items to cover two tables, don't bother. Just box it all up and take to a thrift store. Because when I'm driving down random streets to find the address listed on your sign and pull up to see 3 old VHS tapes, 4 old t-shirts and a dresser, I'm going to be pissed off.

2. On that note, just stop using the word "HUGE" when describing your sale. I have YET to see a sale that lives up to the hype on the sign. Unless your junk takes up a whole building (like fund raiser sales where tons of people donate and it's held at one location) chances are I will be disappointed. I hate seeing their HUGE sign advertising their HUGE sale and drive along all happy, pull up to the garage where I see a sale like in Rule #1, what a HUGE disappointment, you LIAR!

3. Signs! The signs are SO important! You HAVE to make them readable. It kills me when I pull up to a piece of cardboard about the size of a post-it, with the address written in pencil/cursive/smallest handwriting known to man. If I need a magnifying glass to see it while holding it, chances are I won't see it from my car while turning a corner. Here's a helpful list of what your sign should include:

-HUGE piece of cardboard.

-BLACK permanent marker

-LARGE handwriting

-VITAL information (address, time, date)

-DO NOT USE CURSIVE or shitty handwriting.

-Don't worry about making it pretty, nobody cares. As long as we can read it, that's all that matters.

4. To piggyback on that note, you have to use a good amount of signs. Don't put one on a corner and just think we'll figure it out from there. It's helpful to continue directing us as we drive. Tell us to keep going or turn. Because if people are like me, unless it's in your direct neighborhood, chances are you have no CLUE where you are or how to get to the address on the sign. Help me, help you. Kapiche?

5. I am horrified at the items people think to sell. Here are some items I do not think should be sold, ever.

-Toilet plunger. (I would normally think this is obvious, but I saw it at a sale today.)

-Undergarments. I'm sorry Martha, but I don't want your used underwear from 1987. Throw it away.

-Used cosmetics. Why, why, why do people set out their used lipbalms or eye shadows or whatever. Come onnnnnn. I don't know where you've been!

-Self-Help books. For anyone who has been to a rummage sale, these are in high supply. Nobody wants them. They ALWAYS end up in people's give-away pile. Just save yourself some trouble and use the pages to wrap presents or something because nobody wants your ridiculous self-help books.

Get it? Got it? Good.

No offense but....

For those who don't know, I'm not very fond of kids. I like them if they're polite and well-behaved and I like them if they were birthed by my sister (because I love my niece and nephew dearly) but other than that, I tend to keep my distance.

Kids are loud, messy and needy and I don't like any of those characteristics. So what I don't understand is why people are so offended when they're invited to something but are told to leave the kids at home. YOU chose to have kids, if YOU want to be around them, fine. But I didn't choose to have children for a reason. I could easily make a craigslist ad requesting a sleazy hour with some strange man passing through town to perform that whole baby-making process with me. However, I'm not interested in the process or the result.

In the past, especially, at my old job, I was around kids ALL day. Screaming, bratty children. I didn't want to surround myself with that on my free time as well. Even now, I'm in a new job and am still exposed to screaming children and I don't particularly like it.

So when there's an 'adult-only' event planned, don't get all irritated if people don't want your kids there. It could mean many things:
A. Your kids are unruly little brats and they don't want to hear you scream and yell at your children, "IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME" all day. Plus nobody can enjoy themselves while watching your spawn run around screaming and destroying things. And are you even having a good time? You can't even hold a normal conversation with anyone.

B. If it's at someone's house, it's possible their house isn't kid-proof. Or perhaps it is kid-proof but they don't want your children's messy, slimy, boogery hands touching their couch or their TV or windows. Are YOU going to stick around and clean up after them? I doubt it.

C. Children are LOUD. Apparently they don't learn about the power of their vocal chords until they're in their 20s, so they think everyone needs to be screamed or yelled. "Inside Voices" just means scream louder. My eardrums can only take so many decibels. Your children have passed that threshold.

Also don't necessarily be mad if you get a babysitter and show up and other people's kids are there. Some kids are actually tolerable, but obviously not yours. Some people do take the time to discipline and raise their kids. These kids are welcome as when their mom simply gives them 'the look', they pipe down. I know because I was one of these kids. I NEVER acted like the kids you see out in public now. Don't believe me? Ask my mother. She reminds me of it all the time.

So the next time you are invited somewhere and someone says, "Please leave your bastards at home" (or that's how I phrase my invites) don't get mad. That's why babysitters were invented. How would you feel if you had a gathering and someone decided to bring their pet highly-venomous rattlesnake? Because that's how I view your children. As slithery, slimy, poisonous reptiles. You should feel lucky you were even invited. If you don't like it, don't come and we'll just sit and talk about your stupid children the whole time.

Movie Theater Etiquette!

Ooh, now I've got a trend. My list of things I think every living person should follow in different areas of their life. It's like your list of commandments, from me. If you don't follow them, I shall have you ridiculed publicly. And stoned, which basically means I will throw rocks at you until you bleed.

So, here are my 5 commandments for the movie theater. Here's the deal. We're all paying a TON to go see a movie, you shouldn't ruin the experience for others. Follow these rules and we'll get along just fine.

1. TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE!

I don't know HOW theaters can make this clearer. They have the nice commercial graphics before the movie that remind you. Plus is it not just common sense to shut it off when walking into the movie? You don't even have to shut it off. Vibrate is just fine. I can't even tell you how annoyed it makes me when you're watching some hottie on screen and he's about to tell his ridiculously beautiful costar that he loves her and I hear, "Myyyy milkshake brings all the boys to the yaaaard and they're like..." Sure enough, some moron didn't turn the sound off their phone. Way to ruin the moment!!! Even worse when the idiot picks up and is like, "Hi! Noooo I'm at a moooovieeee. HUH? A moooovieeeeee." SHUT UP!!!

2. Okay, if your annoying teenage self wants to go out with your annoying friends to have a good time. Don't go to the movies. I cringe when I'm sitting, anxiously awaiting the movie to start and a huge group of 10 annoying prepubescent brats walk in, thinking they're SO amusing and everyone just paid nearly $10 to sit and listen to them talk about their 6th grade graduation and that Billy likes them and all their comments on what's happening in the movie. NEWS FLASH! I didn't! I don't know WHY these brats think they're so hysterical, because they're not. So sit your bony ass down and SHUT UP!

3. I haaate when the theater isn't even full and I'm sitting comfortably with my feet up on the seat in front of me. And there's only 2 other people in the theater and some dumbass group comes and sits in the chair right in front of me. You saw my feet were up, you had 1000 more seats to choose from, WHY this one? I can understand if it's opening night and the theater is packed, but when it's a nearly empty theater? MOVE or else don't mind my foot kicking your skull in throughout the movie!

4. Do not. Do not. DO NOT bring your children to the movies. I should clarify. If it's an animated one or whatever, fine. But if you bring your 2-year-old in to watch some bang-bang-shoot-em-up with lots of sex and swearing? You suck at life. Not only should they not be watching that, but they will also sit and cry and whine that they have to visit the bathroom every 5 seconds. That's what babysitters are for. If you can't afford one, maybe you shouldn't be buying movie tickets asshole.

5. If you're going to see a movie with someone, more than likely they have not seen the movie before, so when you sit and ask questions like, "Does he love her?!", "Who is that?", "Will she die?", "What happens?" I want to respond, "Gee! I don't know! Let's watch and find out together!!!"

There you have it. A quick list of things to remember. If you follow them, it'll give me one less excuse to punch you in the face.

10 Golden Rules Every Customer Should Follow!

I have been struggling to come up with a topic to bitch about for a while now. And of course, like always, my topic came to me while in the shower. Plus it was semi-inspired by my friend Michelle, who works in retail and has plenty of her own horror stories to tell. :D

I had a dreadful day at work today, it seems all the idiots decided to come out and play and ruin my day, so I thought I would compile a list of etiquette that all customers should follow. Since I will be leaving my current job on Friday, my interaction with stupid people will significantly drop and I fear my writing will suffer as I will miss out on some great material. So here is my one last "Hurrah!" to bash the general population.

There are 10 rules that I will include that I think all customers should follow, by following these rules, you will have a better chance of actually getting the answers and service you desire, in addition to making me hate you less (not completely, just less). If you do not follow these, I will slowly kill you with my eyes and silently scream expletives at you in my head, occasionally one may slip out and you will totally deserve it.

Rule Number 1:

I have already discussed this in a previous entry, but I will quickly go over it again. Do not waste our time asking how we are. You do not care and you do not want to hear the real answer. Just get right to the point and we will both be happy. OR if you do ask it, prepare for a response you do not want. I will give you my real answer, "How am I?! Well, let me just tell you! I am PISSED OFF that I am here today and that you are wasting my time by asking me a question that you REALLY don't want the answer to! I just started my period yesterday, so I am shedding my uterine lining as we speak and because of that, my ovaries are starting WWIII and losing. My hormones are in overdrive and I am actually visualizing ripping your head off and shoving it up your pimpled ASS! So, I guess you could say that I am FINE, as that is the answer you are looking for! How can I help YOU?!" Ahem. Moving on...

Rule Number 2:
When calling a place of business, prepare your phone call before you dial! There is nothing worse than picking up the phone and having one of three things happen.

1a. I will answer the phone and I get someone who starts the conversation like this, and this is a literal example, it happened today: "Oh Hi! (like they are surprised someone answered!) Umm, I have a question, umm, yeah, so...., um...., I'm wondering, umm....Yeah...ummmm...Are you there?!" It's like, "Yes MORON. I am sitting here waiting for you to spit it out! It's like they just dialed the number and were suddenly so confused on why they called in the first place!

1b. I also hate the people who call and start it like: "Hi! I have a question. I don't even know if you're the right person to ask, or if you need to transfer me to the right person, or who I need to talk to." SERIOUSLY?! GET TO THE POINT!

2. Someone calls and they say, "Yeah! I was wondering if I could get your fax number!" So I start to tell them and they frantically interrupt me to say, "Oh wait wait! Let me grab a pen!" Umm, really? Did you think for a second you were Captain Remember Everything and wouldn't need one and then realized you lost your super powers? Why wouldn't you have one to begin with?!

3. At my job, we have people call us with addresses of houses and we look them up and let the person know what their neighborhood school is. So I get a call today, the woman specifically says, "If I give you an address, can you tell me what school it would be?" Absofreakinglutely. So I put her on hold to get my program up, come back and I say, "Okay what's the address?" She responds, "Oh, well I don't have a specific address. It's right by blah blah and across from blah blah." I'm like, seriously? You specifically said you had an ADDRESS. So I say, "Yeah, I need an exact address to put in the program and look." She says, "Yeah but it's right by blah blah, can you just put that in?" Umm, if I could, wouldn't I freaking tell you?!

Rule Number 3:

Let's just keep this simple. I want every person reading this to take, "Umm Yesssssssss." out of their vocabulary. I don't know what it is about that phrase and people's need to do it in the highest pitch possible, but it is annoying and I curse your family every time you use it.

Rule Number 4:

Do not call and start a conversation with, "Yes, I have a question." No shikaka, Sherlock. I did not think you were calling to make a statement.

Rule Number 5:

I don't care how mad or upset you are. If you start the conversation screaming and yelling at me, I will do everything in my power to NOT help you. 99.99% of the time, it's not the person's fault that you're talking to and even if it is, why would someone want to help you when you're screaming at them? I will silently listen and make the 'crazy' sign to my coworkers that I have a real a-hole on the phone. I will let you pop blood vessels in your eyes and give yourself a hemorrhoid and then when you're finished, I will deny the ability to help you and pass you off onto someone else where you will then have to retell your story. Then you will be the laughing stock of the entire office and my entire circle of family and facebook friends. I will look up all the information I can on you, where you work, who your kids are, what their discipline is, your criminal history (oh yes, I have the ability to do that), your google pages, etc etc. Plus you will be filed in my brain under, "Psycho Paths to Avoid" and whenever you name is seen again in our office, it will be followed by, "Oooooh...that douchebag....remember the time..." Do you want that reputation?

Here's a simple phrase I use anytime I have to call someone when I'm frustrated, "Hi, I know you're not the person at fault, but I am very frustrated right now and I'm hoping you will be able to help me." In all situations, the person is like, "Gosh! I am so sorry! What's going on? How can I help?"

Rule Number 6:

Pay attention to store hours! I cannot stress this enough! There is nothing WORSE than nearing the end of your shift/work day and having someone come 5 minutes before closing wanting to enroll their 4 spawn. Or the same applies for retail. If the store closes at 9, don't come and browse or make a time-consuming purchase at 8:55. It's common courtesy. We now tell people our hours are 7:30-4:45, but do not come any later than 4:30. If you're one of these doucheknockers, do YOU enjoy staying past your scheduled time, usually without pay? I frikken doubt it. And even if we are paid, we've just likely worked an 8+ hour shift and want to go home to our husbands, children, kitties and/or liquor cabinet.

Rule Number 7:

Voicemail is there for a reason. I was on a phone call once, probably with some idiot from "Rule Number 2", and a woman called me, then when she was sent to voicemail because I wasn't finished with the first call yet, she hung up and redialed TWO MORE TIMES. If I didn't answer the first time, chances are I'm not just sitting by my phone laughing at your dumbass. I'm obviously busy. Leave a voicemail and I will call you back when I am damn good and ready, or frikken feel like it!

Rule Number 8:

We have a sign by our counter that specifically states "No Children on Counter!" People seem to not want to follow it. I don't know where your nasty baby's ass has been! Get it off my work space!

Rule Number 9:
You, the customer, are NOT always right. This is a STUPID phrase. I had a jerkoff call me just last week asking if his child could attend Kindergarten in the fall. There is a STATE LAW that states a child has to turn 5 on or before September 1st in order to go. His child turned 5 in like October/November. This is not my rule. I could care less when his child attends but he kept arguing with me that he heard from a TEACHER that she could go if she passed a genius test. I was like, "God yes, I know your child learned to read 2 weeks after conception and your wife had to shove a Kindle up her vagina for your extremely gifted fetus to read. However, this is not interesting to me." He just kept arguing and arguing and saying I was wrong. I wanted to say, "Sure, I work in Registration, but come on down and have us tell you this in person, I don't care." You are not right!!!

Rule Number 10:

Don't blame me for your idiot moves in life. I have had countless people call, who have lost their diploma. They are calling to get another copy. We don't do that, in order to get a copy, they have to call Jostens to get one reprinted and we hear it's quite expensive. These people then get all pissed off at ME because we can't just make them one for free. Oh gee! I am SO sorry I caused the flood/tornado/natural disaster that ate your diploma. Or was so irresponsible and didn't make two copies because I'd know you'd lose your second one. And gosh, please accept my apology for calling the company that will make copies and convincing them to charge so much just to make your life a living Hell.

So there you have it. 10 Simple Rules for Stupid A-Holes. Those are the rules I have created for right now and if I think of more, I will definitely make everyone aware. If you have any YOU would like to add, comment!

My "Smart and Single" Registry!

I've found, that as I'm getting older, the people around me are on these new little life adventures. They are getting married, having babies and then getting rewarded for these choices they've made by being showered in gifts. Both babies and weddings make me uncomfortable and I avoid both like the plague, but if I'm close enough to the person, I'll head on over to target.com or Babies R Us and pick up the cheapest thing off their registry. I've never really complained. However, now as I've got to thinking, I realize how unfair this is!
In my life, I don't feel the need to 'complete myself' with another person that will most certainly end up getting on my nerves and pissing me off royally which will just cause a long, expensive and bitter divorce; nor do I ever want to push a screaming needy leech out of my crotch. So, because of these two beliefs I mine, I will never get to have a surprise shower where I show up and get to 'ooh' and 'ahh' over presents people bought for me. What a crock! I say I need to throw a, "Dammit! I'm single and without child, yet I have a mortgage and awesome personality and therefore you should bring me presents" party! And you're all invited.

I'm completely happy with my lifestyle choices I'm making, however, I miss out on a lot of the 'perks' you people seem to be awarded. Compare my life to a normal suburban lifestyle.

Suburbia: Boy meets girl, or boy or both, I don't judge. They fall in love. They decide they want to make it official because they have each found their other half. They plan a wedding and the couple has an amazing shower where they end up with 4 toasters, a crockpot and spoon set. Fine.

Then there's me: I learn from other's mistakes. I figure out that I don't need a half to make me whole. I'm one whole bitch and I intend to stay that way. I buy a house and go to work to buy my house furnishes. That's bogus. I'd like a fancy toaster or wine glass set. How come I have to buy it on my own?

Suburbia: The 'happily ever after' couple decide that they are so amazing that they need to try to duplicate their awesomeness and decide to make some spawn. Mommy (or surrogate, if that's how you roll) is pregnant. Her friends love her so much they throw her a party and buy her tiny shirts and socks that her baby will only end up wearing once. Wonderful.

Me: I adopt a kitty. She's MUCH cheaper and not as needy as an infant. However, I don't recall having a "WELCOME KITTY!" shower thrown in her honor. It's hard work going and picking your best friend you'll have for the next 10-20 years. Compare THAT to childbirth. I had to go buy food, toys and kitty wigs all on my own!

Suburbia: Uhoh. Little Baby Timmy got a case of chicken pox. The neighbors all get together and bake some pies and casseroles to bring over to the happy couple's home to just help them out while they duct tape Timmy's hands together so he won't scratch. That's nice.
Me: My kitty has an incurable and indeterminable urinary issue. I spent thousands of dollars and lost many hours of sleep until we figured out a way to help her. Did I ever get casseroles or pies? NO! I want my tatortot hotdish bitch!

Am I bitter? Absolutely. So, I think from now on when I get an invite to a baby or bridal shower, I will RSVP with a link to my Amazon wishlist. I'll buy you your spatula and oven mitt set, you buy me The Mighty Ducks DVD trilogy. You pick the cheapest thing on my list, I'll do the same to yours. It's only fair. If I have to keep rewarding you for your stupid decisions, you can reward me for a lifetime of awesomeness. I buy a onesie for your newest brat, you give Bella a catnip mouse. Fair? Cool.

So here you go, 17 pages of useless material goods that I want. Happy Shopping! And many congrats on your wedding and many unruly offspring. Have fun with that! I will do the same with whatever you buy me.

Taxes!

It's that time of year in the good ole' USA. Tax season!

I don't mind it so much because so far, I've been able to get myself a nice little refund. This year I'm looking at about $1700ish total. Woot! (Too bad it's all going in savings, adulthood is lame) But, as I'm sure you could guess, I do have a gripe about this.

Why is it that people who don't work and/or have spawn get to collect more? Shouldn't I be rewarded for working full time AND not overpopulating the world? By me not having children, I am saving this country SO much money. Why can't my refund reflect that? You want more money, don't make babies!

Instead it's the other way around. You have people who don't hold a job and just have babies like someone's going to steal their uterus tomorrow and they get this insane rebate. How does that make sense?! Why are people rewarded for reproducing? I think they should be fined. "Hello Ma'am. I will hand you your new bastard to hold for the first time, and also your fine of $600 for bringing another child into this world. Maybe now you will have learned your lesson, as having another child will double your fee. Would you like to pay in cash or check?"

China has it perfect, a one-child policy. I think the US can be a little nicer and allow families to have two. That way you can try for a boy/girl combo. However, if you fail and end up with two of the same, that sucks for you, you are DONE. Maybe you can trade with a neighbor if they had the same problem. But if you're cool like me and decide you don't want children, you will get a cash reward every year you don't reproduce. High fives all around.

See, I'm full of great ideas. I should run for Princess of the USA, I'll be the first, and I'll make all the rules.