10 Golden Rules Every Customer Should Follow!

I have been struggling to come up with a topic to bitch about for a while now. And of course, like always, my topic came to me while in the shower. Plus it was semi-inspired by my friend Michelle, who works in retail and has plenty of her own horror stories to tell. :D

I had a dreadful day at work today, it seems all the idiots decided to come out and play and ruin my day, so I thought I would compile a list of etiquette that all customers should follow. Since I will be leaving my current job on Friday, my interaction with stupid people will significantly drop and I fear my writing will suffer as I will miss out on some great material. So here is my one last "Hurrah!" to bash the general population.

There are 10 rules that I will include that I think all customers should follow, by following these rules, you will have a better chance of actually getting the answers and service you desire, in addition to making me hate you less (not completely, just less). If you do not follow these, I will slowly kill you with my eyes and silently scream expletives at you in my head, occasionally one may slip out and you will totally deserve it.

Rule Number 1:

I have already discussed this in a previous entry, but I will quickly go over it again. Do not waste our time asking how we are. You do not care and you do not want to hear the real answer. Just get right to the point and we will both be happy. OR if you do ask it, prepare for a response you do not want. I will give you my real answer, "How am I?! Well, let me just tell you! I am PISSED OFF that I am here today and that you are wasting my time by asking me a question that you REALLY don't want the answer to! I just started my period yesterday, so I am shedding my uterine lining as we speak and because of that, my ovaries are starting WWIII and losing. My hormones are in overdrive and I am actually visualizing ripping your head off and shoving it up your pimpled ASS! So, I guess you could say that I am FINE, as that is the answer you are looking for! How can I help YOU?!" Ahem. Moving on...

Rule Number 2:
When calling a place of business, prepare your phone call before you dial! There is nothing worse than picking up the phone and having one of three things happen.

1a. I will answer the phone and I get someone who starts the conversation like this, and this is a literal example, it happened today: "Oh Hi! (like they are surprised someone answered!) Umm, I have a question, umm, yeah, so...., um...., I'm wondering, umm....Yeah...ummmm...Are you there?!" It's like, "Yes MORON. I am sitting here waiting for you to spit it out! It's like they just dialed the number and were suddenly so confused on why they called in the first place!

1b. I also hate the people who call and start it like: "Hi! I have a question. I don't even know if you're the right person to ask, or if you need to transfer me to the right person, or who I need to talk to." SERIOUSLY?! GET TO THE POINT!

2. Someone calls and they say, "Yeah! I was wondering if I could get your fax number!" So I start to tell them and they frantically interrupt me to say, "Oh wait wait! Let me grab a pen!" Umm, really? Did you think for a second you were Captain Remember Everything and wouldn't need one and then realized you lost your super powers? Why wouldn't you have one to begin with?!

3. At my job, we have people call us with addresses of houses and we look them up and let the person know what their neighborhood school is. So I get a call today, the woman specifically says, "If I give you an address, can you tell me what school it would be?" Absofreakinglutely. So I put her on hold to get my program up, come back and I say, "Okay what's the address?" She responds, "Oh, well I don't have a specific address. It's right by blah blah and across from blah blah." I'm like, seriously? You specifically said you had an ADDRESS. So I say, "Yeah, I need an exact address to put in the program and look." She says, "Yeah but it's right by blah blah, can you just put that in?" Umm, if I could, wouldn't I freaking tell you?!

Rule Number 3:

Let's just keep this simple. I want every person reading this to take, "Umm Yesssssssss." out of their vocabulary. I don't know what it is about that phrase and people's need to do it in the highest pitch possible, but it is annoying and I curse your family every time you use it.

Rule Number 4:

Do not call and start a conversation with, "Yes, I have a question." No shikaka, Sherlock. I did not think you were calling to make a statement.

Rule Number 5:

I don't care how mad or upset you are. If you start the conversation screaming and yelling at me, I will do everything in my power to NOT help you. 99.99% of the time, it's not the person's fault that you're talking to and even if it is, why would someone want to help you when you're screaming at them? I will silently listen and make the 'crazy' sign to my coworkers that I have a real a-hole on the phone. I will let you pop blood vessels in your eyes and give yourself a hemorrhoid and then when you're finished, I will deny the ability to help you and pass you off onto someone else where you will then have to retell your story. Then you will be the laughing stock of the entire office and my entire circle of family and facebook friends. I will look up all the information I can on you, where you work, who your kids are, what their discipline is, your criminal history (oh yes, I have the ability to do that), your google pages, etc etc. Plus you will be filed in my brain under, "Psycho Paths to Avoid" and whenever you name is seen again in our office, it will be followed by, "Oooooh...that douchebag....remember the time..." Do you want that reputation?

Here's a simple phrase I use anytime I have to call someone when I'm frustrated, "Hi, I know you're not the person at fault, but I am very frustrated right now and I'm hoping you will be able to help me." In all situations, the person is like, "Gosh! I am so sorry! What's going on? How can I help?"

Rule Number 6:

Pay attention to store hours! I cannot stress this enough! There is nothing WORSE than nearing the end of your shift/work day and having someone come 5 minutes before closing wanting to enroll their 4 spawn. Or the same applies for retail. If the store closes at 9, don't come and browse or make a time-consuming purchase at 8:55. It's common courtesy. We now tell people our hours are 7:30-4:45, but do not come any later than 4:30. If you're one of these doucheknockers, do YOU enjoy staying past your scheduled time, usually without pay? I frikken doubt it. And even if we are paid, we've just likely worked an 8+ hour shift and want to go home to our husbands, children, kitties and/or liquor cabinet.

Rule Number 7:

Voicemail is there for a reason. I was on a phone call once, probably with some idiot from "Rule Number 2", and a woman called me, then when she was sent to voicemail because I wasn't finished with the first call yet, she hung up and redialed TWO MORE TIMES. If I didn't answer the first time, chances are I'm not just sitting by my phone laughing at your dumbass. I'm obviously busy. Leave a voicemail and I will call you back when I am damn good and ready, or frikken feel like it!

Rule Number 8:

We have a sign by our counter that specifically states "No Children on Counter!" People seem to not want to follow it. I don't know where your nasty baby's ass has been! Get it off my work space!

Rule Number 9:
You, the customer, are NOT always right. This is a STUPID phrase. I had a jerkoff call me just last week asking if his child could attend Kindergarten in the fall. There is a STATE LAW that states a child has to turn 5 on or before September 1st in order to go. His child turned 5 in like October/November. This is not my rule. I could care less when his child attends but he kept arguing with me that he heard from a TEACHER that she could go if she passed a genius test. I was like, "God yes, I know your child learned to read 2 weeks after conception and your wife had to shove a Kindle up her vagina for your extremely gifted fetus to read. However, this is not interesting to me." He just kept arguing and arguing and saying I was wrong. I wanted to say, "Sure, I work in Registration, but come on down and have us tell you this in person, I don't care." You are not right!!!

Rule Number 10:

Don't blame me for your idiot moves in life. I have had countless people call, who have lost their diploma. They are calling to get another copy. We don't do that, in order to get a copy, they have to call Jostens to get one reprinted and we hear it's quite expensive. These people then get all pissed off at ME because we can't just make them one for free. Oh gee! I am SO sorry I caused the flood/tornado/natural disaster that ate your diploma. Or was so irresponsible and didn't make two copies because I'd know you'd lose your second one. And gosh, please accept my apology for calling the company that will make copies and convincing them to charge so much just to make your life a living Hell.

So there you have it. 10 Simple Rules for Stupid A-Holes. Those are the rules I have created for right now and if I think of more, I will definitely make everyone aware. If you have any YOU would like to add, comment!

My "Smart and Single" Registry!

I've found, that as I'm getting older, the people around me are on these new little life adventures. They are getting married, having babies and then getting rewarded for these choices they've made by being showered in gifts. Both babies and weddings make me uncomfortable and I avoid both like the plague, but if I'm close enough to the person, I'll head on over to target.com or Babies R Us and pick up the cheapest thing off their registry. I've never really complained. However, now as I've got to thinking, I realize how unfair this is!
In my life, I don't feel the need to 'complete myself' with another person that will most certainly end up getting on my nerves and pissing me off royally which will just cause a long, expensive and bitter divorce; nor do I ever want to push a screaming needy leech out of my crotch. So, because of these two beliefs I mine, I will never get to have a surprise shower where I show up and get to 'ooh' and 'ahh' over presents people bought for me. What a crock! I say I need to throw a, "Dammit! I'm single and without child, yet I have a mortgage and awesome personality and therefore you should bring me presents" party! And you're all invited.

I'm completely happy with my lifestyle choices I'm making, however, I miss out on a lot of the 'perks' you people seem to be awarded. Compare my life to a normal suburban lifestyle.

Suburbia: Boy meets girl, or boy or both, I don't judge. They fall in love. They decide they want to make it official because they have each found their other half. They plan a wedding and the couple has an amazing shower where they end up with 4 toasters, a crockpot and spoon set. Fine.

Then there's me: I learn from other's mistakes. I figure out that I don't need a half to make me whole. I'm one whole bitch and I intend to stay that way. I buy a house and go to work to buy my house furnishes. That's bogus. I'd like a fancy toaster or wine glass set. How come I have to buy it on my own?

Suburbia: The 'happily ever after' couple decide that they are so amazing that they need to try to duplicate their awesomeness and decide to make some spawn. Mommy (or surrogate, if that's how you roll) is pregnant. Her friends love her so much they throw her a party and buy her tiny shirts and socks that her baby will only end up wearing once. Wonderful.

Me: I adopt a kitty. She's MUCH cheaper and not as needy as an infant. However, I don't recall having a "WELCOME KITTY!" shower thrown in her honor. It's hard work going and picking your best friend you'll have for the next 10-20 years. Compare THAT to childbirth. I had to go buy food, toys and kitty wigs all on my own!

Suburbia: Uhoh. Little Baby Timmy got a case of chicken pox. The neighbors all get together and bake some pies and casseroles to bring over to the happy couple's home to just help them out while they duct tape Timmy's hands together so he won't scratch. That's nice.
Me: My kitty has an incurable and indeterminable urinary issue. I spent thousands of dollars and lost many hours of sleep until we figured out a way to help her. Did I ever get casseroles or pies? NO! I want my tatortot hotdish bitch!

Am I bitter? Absolutely. So, I think from now on when I get an invite to a baby or bridal shower, I will RSVP with a link to my Amazon wishlist. I'll buy you your spatula and oven mitt set, you buy me The Mighty Ducks DVD trilogy. You pick the cheapest thing on my list, I'll do the same to yours. It's only fair. If I have to keep rewarding you for your stupid decisions, you can reward me for a lifetime of awesomeness. I buy a onesie for your newest brat, you give Bella a catnip mouse. Fair? Cool.

So here you go, 17 pages of useless material goods that I want. Happy Shopping! And many congrats on your wedding and many unruly offspring. Have fun with that! I will do the same with whatever you buy me.

Taxes!

It's that time of year in the good ole' USA. Tax season!

I don't mind it so much because so far, I've been able to get myself a nice little refund. This year I'm looking at about $1700ish total. Woot! (Too bad it's all going in savings, adulthood is lame) But, as I'm sure you could guess, I do have a gripe about this.

Why is it that people who don't work and/or have spawn get to collect more? Shouldn't I be rewarded for working full time AND not overpopulating the world? By me not having children, I am saving this country SO much money. Why can't my refund reflect that? You want more money, don't make babies!

Instead it's the other way around. You have people who don't hold a job and just have babies like someone's going to steal their uterus tomorrow and they get this insane rebate. How does that make sense?! Why are people rewarded for reproducing? I think they should be fined. "Hello Ma'am. I will hand you your new bastard to hold for the first time, and also your fine of $600 for bringing another child into this world. Maybe now you will have learned your lesson, as having another child will double your fee. Would you like to pay in cash or check?"

China has it perfect, a one-child policy. I think the US can be a little nicer and allow families to have two. That way you can try for a boy/girl combo. However, if you fail and end up with two of the same, that sucks for you, you are DONE. Maybe you can trade with a neighbor if they had the same problem. But if you're cool like me and decide you don't want children, you will get a cash reward every year you don't reproduce. High fives all around.

See, I'm full of great ideas. I should run for Princess of the USA, I'll be the first, and I'll make all the rules.

Lady BlahBlah

Tonight is the Grammys. The one night I look forward to all year. It's like my Christmas. I completely immerse myself in the little details leading up to the big event. I even make a 'wish list' of nominees I want to win. It's a big day for me. It is an award show that includes ALL music and I like (almost) ALL music.

I have a very eclectic taste in music. I imagine there's not many people out there with a "Favorites" playlist that includes Eminem, Justin Bieber (I know, I'm ashamed), Michael Bublé, Taylor Swift, Sugarland, The Beatles, and Queen all together. I can rock it to every one of those. There's not many types of music that I don't like, except for that heavy metal/screamo crap. That just sounds like a 12-year-old girl throwing a temper tantrum because her dad won't let her wear her black eyeliner and black leather miniskirt to school, ugh. Shut it already.

So anyways, I'm checking in on the arrivals and checking out what people are wearing. Then I see her, Lady frikken GaGa. This woman just irritates me. She arrives to the Grammys in an egg. A frikken egg!

I will say, I like a few of her songs and I do acknowledge that she's the 'voice' of many outcasts and kids that are struggling with bullies in school for being different. I get it.
However, at a certain point, I think she's just begging for attention. It would be different if she just wore these ridiculous outfits to awards shows or red carpet events. But she can't even go to the grocery store without wearing a stupid carburetor or bowl of placenta on her head. Come on. It's getting quite old. By dressing like this 24/7, it makes her mediocre and boring. You want to stand out? Don't dress like that on every outing. It's not new and exciting anymore, if it ever was.

If the world was full of everyone being different, we'd all be the same! Can't you put on a pair of jeans and a tshirt once in a while? That would really shock us all. WHAT?! Lady Gaga in flip flops and cut-off shorts? OH THE MADNESS!

Plus this whole, 'she's trying to make a statement with her outfit.' Shut up!!! How about get a voice and say what you mean, versus wearing it. A lot of people don't get it anyway. I'm still trying to figure out her revolting 'meat dress' she wore to the VMAs. Kanye West hates Taylor Swift, will he wear HER down the red carpet? Doubtful. Lindsay Lohan loves her coke, will she bread herself like a porkchop and wear her stash to court next week? Well, not on purpose.

My point is, she's not making me sympathetic towards the people of the world who are 'different' because she's trying way too hard to BE different. She's doing exactly the opposite of what she's putting out there. I'm not buying what she's selling, although with her 'outfit' tonight I do realize I need to pick up some eggs.

Yes, be different, but don't be obnoxious about it. By doing that, you're just bringing more attention to yourself and nobody likes attention whores. So crack that egg, put on a real dress, be respectful to other members of the industry and for God's sake just shut up with your nonvocal statements already!

Ink Me.

My God, I never thought that shopping for a printer would be more difficult than shopping for a car or house. I have seriously spent hours this morning reading reviews, ebaying ink prices, googling printers. I'm just over it! How hard is it to find a good quality printer that also has good ink prices?? Apparently it's rocket science!
I find a great printer for $100ish with great reviews, but then the ink cartridges are like $40! Come ON! I think gasoline is cheaper than this crap! It's colored liquid! Can't I just squirt some water in there with a little food coloring?

They advertise these great prices for these printers, but then the things that keep it working for years to come will make you choose between food or ink for the month. What a monopoly.

I have a printer now, that works fairly well, I haven't had any major problems with it. But it seems to go through ink so unbelievably fast and I can find decent prices on ebay, but when I'm buying replacement cartridges constantly, am I really saving much? I'm just annoyed.

Dramafrikkenrama.

That's really all I had to whine about today.

Klutz.

So, those who know me know I always have a story. No matter where I go, or what I do, I'll come back with a story. Now don't be thinking I'm making up these entertaining bits of my life, they really do happen. Not surprising, knowing me.

So my funny story of the day that I have to share. I went to the doctor this afternoon to see a nutritionist, nothing exciting there. Appointment went great, walked out with some free books and pamphlets and those are always fun. Who doesn't love pamphlets??

Well, honest to God, I'm walking out of OMC and hear allll these sirens and am like, "Lordy, what happened? It's so loud and so close." Start walking out to my car and what do I see? A huge cluster of people, all near to the ground, RIGHT behind my car. I literally walked up and was like, "Ummm..." And they said, "Did you park near here?" I pointed to my car that even had someone's hats/mittens/etc on my trunk and was like, 'Umm..that's my car..?' And they said, "Ok, well..there was an incident, etc etc...you can't move it...etc etc.." I was like Super, or something! So I asked if I could at least get it in, they said yes but that I wouldn't be able to start it as 'her' (the woman who I later learned fell) head was right by my exhaust. I saw her on the ground covered by a blanket and just shaking, I'm assuming from the cold?

Okay, no problem...I guess.

So I'm sitting...the ambulance and fire truck all pull in behind me and start doing their thing. I immediately start texting all my friends and taking pictures for Facebook because that's what my generation does. So I'm waiting, in the cold, waiting to move. Obviously at this point will not be able to make it back to work in time, even if I wanted to! So I'm waiting, waiting. They start taking stuff out of the ambulance to load her up. I hear the story that she tried to get out of some van and slipped and fell (on my car? I hope not. At this point, I realize I have forgotten to check for dents/dings?) and from the sounds of it, hurt her foot. So they initially try to just pick her up to put her on the gurney and she is scrrrreaming, "MY FOOT! OW! MY FOOT! OWW!" So, they realize that doesn't work, after a few tries. So they get the gurney down and load her up. Meanwhile my car shakes once or twice, I don't know what they were doing back there, but they better not have hurt Baby Blue!

So they finally get her in the ambulance and the crowd slowly disperses and I'm still waiting to go. I finally was able to start my car. However, the ambulance doesn't move. I sit there for about another 10 minutes waiting and I finally am pissed and annoyed enough to try to squeeeeze out. It took a few tries, but I was able to do it, cursing the powers that be, the whole time. As I drive past the ambulance, NOBODY is inside the driver's seat. Great! Thanks guys for knowing I'm waiting in my car and just parking it to wait for the next coming of Christ to move your tank.

So there's my story of the day. If something's going to happen, it's going to happen to me.

And below is a picture of the douchebag ambulance who obviously doesn't realize how important my time is and only worries about the injured. Pshaw. They need to recheck their priorities.

In all seriousness, hopefully the woman is okay...or will be. I'm sure her day sucks worse than mine.

How are you?

People would say there are a few questions that you never want to be asked.

"How much do you weigh?"

"How old are you?"
"How many people have you slept with?"

They all could be answered with a swift punch to the face.

However, you could ask me those questions anytime as long as we take one question out of existence: "How are you?" I detest this question! It drives me NUTS! Mostly because the people who normally ask are complete strangers and they don't CARE!

If you don't already know, I work with the public. My day is comprised of answering the telephone and helping idiots that come to our counter. I don't care about these people, they don't care about me. Yet many times a day, I am asked how I'm doing. Really? You won't even be able to recall my name in about 4 minutes, do you really want to hear what I'm currently dealing with internally? No, so don't waste my time. I don't care about you, I don't ask you, please show me the same courtesy. I'm not here to waste your time, don't waste mine. I'm busy at my job and I don't want my time wasted with your pointless questions and my pointless answers.
What I'd really enjoy doing is actually telling people how I am. A "good", "great" or my most favorite response "wonderful" doesn't really reflect the truth.

"How am I? Funny you should ask! Well, I woke up this morning and had insane uterine cramps. You see, I'm on my period and I am flowing like a mad woman. And how are YOU today sir?"

"How am I? Well, you see, *sniffle sniffle*, I broke up with my boyfriend last night and I thought he was the love of my life. We had great break-up sex last night....and this morning... but I still just don't think it's going to work out. Do you think I should try to win him back? Or should I move onto someone else? Are you single?"

"How am I? Well, since you asked, I'm actually quite annoyed. Annoyed because idiots like you keep wasting my time and asking how I am when you don't give a flying fruitcake how I'm actually doing. You want me to simply say "PERFECT!" and move on to helping you, you selfish d'bag. Now what do you really want?"

My favorite is the people who just throw it into their sentence and don't even WAIT for a response. Not that I want to respond but why waste those precious seconds of my life if you're not even faking that you want to know? "Hi, how are you, I have a question." Let's just go to, "Hi! (insert question)" I don't need to be warned that you're going to ask a question, just ask it.

I started to make a game of it at work because it was irritating me so much. So I started to just try to use a different word each time someone asked me. It took me about a half hour to run out of words. Then I started to not answer, I would just follow it up with, "Can I help you?" but then it pissed some idiot off, so now I just answer, 'WONDERFUL! Can I help you?" or my favorite, "Grrrrrrreat. Can I help you?"

I also hate the, "Have a great day!" response when someone is leaving/hanging up. Yeah, do you see where I am? I'm at work. If I were to 'have a great day', I would be somewhere fun. At home in my PJs watching daytime talk shows, on the beach with a drink in hand, anywhere but here. You don't care if I have a great day. You got what you wanted and you're off to have yourself a great day while I'm stuck at work. I realized this week that I like "Have a great weekend!" better because I will, I won't be here! However, this doesn't apply to people who work weekends. So just cut it out. It's not necessary. Waste of time. It's just another irritation.

My dream is to win the lottery. But not because then I'll be sitting pretty in my mansion with my butler serving me breakfast in bed. If I were to win the lottery and never had to work again, I would work. I would take jobs that deal with the public and every place I went, I would not hold back. I would tell people how stupid they were and put them in their place. Of course, I would get fired, but it wouldn't matter. I don't need the job. People would KILL to hire me because I would say what every working person wants to say but can't because we are in the business of 'customer service.' My new motto would be 'SCREW Customer Service!' Fellow employees would love me, bosses would love me. I would be the most sought after employee ever. They would just fire me and say, "She no longer works here" when they receive a complaint, but inside they're completely joyful because they know that person is a douche.

So my lesson for the day, when you call a place of business, any place. Get to it. Don't announce you're going to ask a question, don't ask if you can ask a question, don't ask how we are and don't give us a fake well wishing. Be gracious but not artificially friendly. Just trust me on this.