My "Smart and Single" Registry!

I've found, that as I'm getting older, the people around me are on these new little life adventures. They are getting married, having babies and then getting rewarded for these choices they've made by being showered in gifts. Both babies and weddings make me uncomfortable and I avoid both like the plague, but if I'm close enough to the person, I'll head on over to target.com or Babies R Us and pick up the cheapest thing off their registry. I've never really complained. However, now as I've got to thinking, I realize how unfair this is!
In my life, I don't feel the need to 'complete myself' with another person that will most certainly end up getting on my nerves and pissing me off royally which will just cause a long, expensive and bitter divorce; nor do I ever want to push a screaming needy leech out of my crotch. So, because of these two beliefs I mine, I will never get to have a surprise shower where I show up and get to 'ooh' and 'ahh' over presents people bought for me. What a crock! I say I need to throw a, "Dammit! I'm single and without child, yet I have a mortgage and awesome personality and therefore you should bring me presents" party! And you're all invited.

I'm completely happy with my lifestyle choices I'm making, however, I miss out on a lot of the 'perks' you people seem to be awarded. Compare my life to a normal suburban lifestyle.

Suburbia: Boy meets girl, or boy or both, I don't judge. They fall in love. They decide they want to make it official because they have each found their other half. They plan a wedding and the couple has an amazing shower where they end up with 4 toasters, a crockpot and spoon set. Fine.

Then there's me: I learn from other's mistakes. I figure out that I don't need a half to make me whole. I'm one whole bitch and I intend to stay that way. I buy a house and go to work to buy my house furnishes. That's bogus. I'd like a fancy toaster or wine glass set. How come I have to buy it on my own?

Suburbia: The 'happily ever after' couple decide that they are so amazing that they need to try to duplicate their awesomeness and decide to make some spawn. Mommy (or surrogate, if that's how you roll) is pregnant. Her friends love her so much they throw her a party and buy her tiny shirts and socks that her baby will only end up wearing once. Wonderful.

Me: I adopt a kitty. She's MUCH cheaper and not as needy as an infant. However, I don't recall having a "WELCOME KITTY!" shower thrown in her honor. It's hard work going and picking your best friend you'll have for the next 10-20 years. Compare THAT to childbirth. I had to go buy food, toys and kitty wigs all on my own!

Suburbia: Uhoh. Little Baby Timmy got a case of chicken pox. The neighbors all get together and bake some pies and casseroles to bring over to the happy couple's home to just help them out while they duct tape Timmy's hands together so he won't scratch. That's nice.
Me: My kitty has an incurable and indeterminable urinary issue. I spent thousands of dollars and lost many hours of sleep until we figured out a way to help her. Did I ever get casseroles or pies? NO! I want my tatortot hotdish bitch!

Am I bitter? Absolutely. So, I think from now on when I get an invite to a baby or bridal shower, I will RSVP with a link to my Amazon wishlist. I'll buy you your spatula and oven mitt set, you buy me The Mighty Ducks DVD trilogy. You pick the cheapest thing on my list, I'll do the same to yours. It's only fair. If I have to keep rewarding you for your stupid decisions, you can reward me for a lifetime of awesomeness. I buy a onesie for your newest brat, you give Bella a catnip mouse. Fair? Cool.

So here you go, 17 pages of useless material goods that I want. Happy Shopping! And many congrats on your wedding and many unruly offspring. Have fun with that! I will do the same with whatever you buy me.